Spider-Man’s Bible Stories

Posted By: Peter DavidPosted On:

Keeping in mind that I’m the guy who wrote the Doc Samson Passover story, the following was brought to my attention by Glenn Greenburg and Howard Margolin. Check it out.

http://portlandmercury.com/2002-05-02/feature4.html

25 comments on “Spider-Man’s Bible Stories”

  2. At the end, Spidey says, “Don’t do drugs.” That is good advice the the creator of that piece should take as well. Funny stuff!

  5. I was sent this a few days back and loved it. I typically hate forwads, but this had some real creativity to it and stood out. I actually passed it on to a handful of friends. It was a very interesting experience for me as I scrolled through my address book to determine who would receive this from me…. “yep…. nope…. he’ll love this….. she’ll pray for me….. would be offended….. would disown me and come knocking with holy water…..” Talk about great power and great responsibility.

    My initial thought was that if only Jesus were as good a friend to Spidey as Pete was to Jesus than Spidey would never have suffered through the death of Gwen Stacy or countless other tragedies and readers would never have faced Spidey-Armor or Gwen shagging Norman.

    Fred

  6. Up next: Spider-Man versus Antiochus IV! “I hate fighting robots I hate fighting robots I hate fighting robots…!”

  7. Y’know, it always amuses me when people who are really, really, really, into Christ try to be “cool”. Can we just agree that nothing in religion needs to be cool to be valid or interesting? Granted, the Hulk parting the Red Sea was actually pretty clever, but when Spidey rolls away the stone, all I can hear is Michael Madsen saying “Wakey, wakey – eggs & bakey!” from Kill Bill vol. 2…

  11. But, wait, if Jesus exists in Marvel continuity than does that mean he could beat the Silver Surfer? What about Thor? If this is supposed to be happening now, where are the rest of the New Avengers? And that webbing looks suspiciously like it was made from artificial web shooters, not the organic webbing we all know Pete has just acquired. They really need to get their facts straight. The one place we certainly CAN’T have any contradictions is the Bible!

  12. My favourite part is when he makes a hat for Jesus. don’t take the fûçkër down, heavens no!

  13. “At the end, Spidey says, “Don’t do drugs.” That is good advice the the creator of that piece should take as well.”

    I disagree. If drugs were responsible for this, then I demand the government provide this guy with as much drugs as he wants as often as he wants them.

  14. > But, wait, if Jesus exists in Marvel continuity
    > than does that mean he could beat the Silver
    > Surfer? What about Thor?

    This had me laughing so hard my son asked me if I was okay!

    This is the funniest “vs.” comment I’ve read since Don Markstein pointed out that Superman could kill the Hulk by urinating on him, the urine being propelled by Kryptonian bladder muscles at trans-light speed.

    (BTW, Dark Phoenix kills Superman with a blast of red sun radiation. End of story.)

  15. //This is the funniest “vs.” comment I’ve read since Don Markstein pointed out that Superman could kill the Hulk by urinating on him, the urine being propelled by Kryptonian bladder muscles at trans-light speed.//

    Have you read The Pro written by Garth Ennis? An airplane gets shot down in a … somewhat … similar manner.

  16. 2 things, kids, first of all-

    Here’s a dancing Spider-Man:
    “>http://www.jdbshow.com/art/spiderman.gif

    If you want dancing Spider-Man, you gotta get the REAL dancing Spider-Man… make sure your sound is turned up, that’s all I’m saying.

    http://www2.b3ta.com/spidermanwillmakeyougay/

    #2 – while that Spidey Bible Stories was pretty funny … the best Spidey comics parody ever HAS to be these ones. This is slightly old, but very, very funny (may take awhile to load, but 100% worth it):

    http://www.kontrabandcontent.co.uk/1/graphics/pics/spiderman_comic_hero.jpg

    “Holy šhìŧ! I got to save the girl with the big tits!!”

    “Those stupid doctors, saying that I have a brain tumor. Hey, look! My arch nemesis, a truck!”

    “Please, don’t! I’m diabetic!” “That sounds like a job for SUGAR!”

    “NNNNGGGG!! HATE YOU!! WANT DIVORCE!!” “What is it?” “Shut up. Just, shut up.” “@$$hole” NEXT WEEK: ANAL!

    God, I love those strips.

  18. Keeping in mind that I’m the guy who wrote the Doc Samson Passover story

    Actually, it was a Chanukah story.

  19. About the cartoon: errrrrrrr…

    I’ve heard some priests say that, to make religion more appealing, Jesus et al should be portrayed more like superheroes than their traditional interpretations. (Moses parting the Red Sea with heat vision, Samson’s battles in glorious action, etc.) It seemed tacky then, and it’s still tacky now.

  20. And another thing about the eggs and bacon line – It seems to me that Jesus probably wouldn’t have been eating bacon – ever. I’m assuming that the man would would be the kind of the Jews would also have been about as orthodox as they came. I mean, maybe “Who’s for flapjacks!” would have been a better line?

    As to the vs. idea – don’t you guys watch South Park – Jesus wins, man. Although, that gives me a great “What if?” idea – What if Galactus asked Jesus to be his herald? (Oh, man I’m goin’ to Hëll for that one…)

  22. So, umm… is this meant to be a serious attempt by Jesus freaks to make the Bible appeal more to kids, or what?

  23. Ted, doubtful since I’d imagine that it could be seen as very offensive. It looks do be done tongue-in-cheek.

    Fred

  24. Ah… written by wm. stephen humphrey. Much is explained.

    He does the TV column for The Stranger (the The Portland Mercury‘s sister publication in Seattle).

    He’s weekly column there is pretty so-so, but his faux TV Guide summaries are hilarious.

    Spider-Man’s Bible Stories is another indicator that he should stay away from essays, and stick to relatively short gags — they appear to be his metier.

    By the way, in a similar vein of humor:

    Superman Origin Comics:http://www.jaypinkerton.com/superman/

    Batman Origin Comics: http://www.jaypinkerton.com/blog/archives/000223.html

    Enjoy.

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