NOTE FROM PAD: For those of you who are wondering where you are on the queue, be aware that we have JUST gotten to the people who sent their “Count me in” emails on day 2 of the initial announcement. That’s how many people volunteered on day 1. (Even more, actually, since nearly a dozen people did not get in contributions for varying reasons.) Fortunately the vast bulk of emails came in on day one, so we should be moving through the queue a little faster now.
The broken glass encrusted, sequin bedecked, beadazzled, and overall glittery Sparklepire leapt through the air, and teenage girls swooned like overcooked au gratin potatoes, leaving memories that became legend. Legend becomes myth and even myth was long forgotten in the 1.77245385 minutes it took for a new teenage fad to take its place. In the gravity defying minutes as Edwood flew through the air and the author grew tired of this literary allusion, a sputtering breeze blew some of the broken glass from Edwood’s tousled bronze curls into the eyes of a nearly forgotten character.
“Dagnabbit Dad!” Something said in direct tones so unlike those of his broodsomely handsome father, “You’re such a health hazard that not even a slow-witted were-creature like Jakob wouldn’t accept food from you, especially since it’s not hewn from glorious potatoes.”
“I know my nature is both unnerving and attractive to all who encounter me,” Edwood said, racing towards one of the sports cars lining the Sullen family garage, cars that embody descriptors like shiny, fast, and absurd show of wealth, “but how do you know about my quest?”
“I went to Google ‘character resuscitation'” said Something, emboldened by the chance to impart exposition, “and your last two searches were ‘How to distract my potentially immortal wife’ and ‘where is Vlad the Impeeler’s lair?’ so…”
“Cursed browsing history!” interjected Edwood, his glittering teeth ripping into each word.
“…know full sentences aren’t even necessary in search engines, keywords work just as well.” Something continued, unaffected, as usual, by his father’s angst.
“Something, if you must accompany me on my quest to get your Uncle/Stepfather/Brother-in-Law Jakob to be some courage, you have to shut up.”
“Sure Sure,” said Something in an attempt to be endearing, “Do you think Vlad has a Dorito of Decisiveness?”
***
As the Sullen men raced off, the Potato Goddess returned to the Pit of Voles, fresh from her weekly Mani/Pedi with the Lady of the Latke.
“Where has that plot gotten to,” the Tuberous Titan wondered aloud, scanning the deserted area “I left it right here, about to face a battle to the death with more than one participant already deceased.”
“They’ve all gone off, my lady,” a vole said in a barely audible whisper, bandages obscuring most of his features “that clumsy young lady wot showed up so suddenly and reigned terror upon all rodentia suddenly came over all strange and wonderful so those other folk just up and followed her out of here.”
“Don’t tell me the One Onion Ring is in the hands of the reader-proxy.” the Potato Goddess moaned.
• 
“(Even more, actually, since nearly a dozen people did not get in contributions for varying reasons.)”
…that’d be me, and I just knew the “you’re up” email would come on the 1 day I wouldn’t be able to do it! 🙂 I was wondering just where I fell and how many participants there were, and this gives a general idea so thanks.
I’m amazed this thing has gone this long!
Hey, good to see Something and Edwood get a crack at the spotlight, which is neat considering they spent, like, 10 chapters cleaning their bathtub.