This is the place

UPDATED FEBRUARY 8th: Having taken the evening to reflect, plus after doing some research, I have decided that the best commercial of the evening was: The Dave Letterman Show ad. It was incredibly memorable. It was laugh-out-loud funny. And apparently they really were all together in the room. It was filmed at the Ed Sullivan studio and kept completely under wraps. The fact that they were able to pull that kind of national surprise in this day and age of spoilers and leaks gives it, as far as I’m concerned, the edge.

The place where I’ll be live blogging the commercials during the Super Bowl, the season’s final game of football.

Football, the one hour game that can run two, two and a half hours or more, making it the TARDIS of sports: You go into it thinking it’s one size but once you’re in it, it just seems to go on forever.

Football or, as fans of rugby refer to it, that game like rugby where the players are such pûššìëš they have to put on helmets and padding. (Have you ever seen rugby? Seriously? All the brutality of football except they’re dressed in shorts and t-shirts. It’s literally like they just rolled out of bed and started careening into each other.)

As always, the focus of this blog will be on the most interesting part of the evening: The commercials. Comments will be below the cut. Plus I may decide to comment on the game here and there, using my copious expertise on the subject.

So get ready. The first inning will start at 6 PM, in just 25 minutes. Or, in football terms, in an hour and ten minutes.

PAD

5:56: “The Who” are going to be playing at halftime? Excellent.

5:58: “Your Toyota dealers are focused on the safety of their customers.” Well, yeah. Now.

6:00: If football met the Grammys, or “Super Bowl: The Musical!”

6:04: Phil Simms has amazing hair. I wonder if it’s made from the same plastic as the football helmets.

6:05: Hyundai: Emphasizing safety. Smart.

6:07: My God. L’Oreal. Seven minutes in and it’s a WOMEN’S commercial? How did THAT sneak in here?

6:10: They enter to the Alan Parson’s Project? Okay.

6:14: It may be the comic fan in me,but I want to see a crossover with the Geico Gecko and the cavemen.

6:19: God save the Queen. What a voice Queen Latifah has. Obviously some sort of technical problem since she was pulling at her ear piece, but she didn’t let it slow her down one bit.

6:22: Carrie Underwood sings the National Anthem. And somewhere Simon Cowell is sneering and saying, “Sounded pitchy.”

6:23: “Coming from M. Night Shaymalan. A movie that might not suck.” I’m there.

6:24: Rogaine grows hair on 85% of guys. I’ve already got hair on 85% of me. It’s the percent on my head that I miss.

6:26: McDonalds ad featuring baskeball players. Like the average frequent customer of McDonalds could slam dunk a basketball. Although I am left wondering: who WAS that guy in the stands? Kath says she thinks it was Patrick Byrd.

6:28: Story moment notion: They do the coin toss, the coin comes up with the scratched head side, the ref says, “You both lose,” shoots them both down, and pulls off his rubber mask to reveal he’s Two-Face. File that away.

6:29: Kath now says she meant to say Larry Bird.

6:30: “Bad weather brings talent closer together.” Also molecules.

6:31: Oh. There’s a whole game after the coin toss. I thought when one team won the coin toss, that was it.

6:32: All those guys muttered their names. They need to sit them down for name elocution lessons with Yolanda Vega (no one outside of New York will get that.)

6:40: Flag on the play. I keep thinking of Eddie Izzard saying, “Do YOU have a flag?”

6:41: I was thinking about Mary Warner saying she’s never watched a Super Bowl, and it occurs to me that until I married Kathleen, I never watched it either. Once I walked into a Blockbusters and the guys were astounded to see me because they had literally no business that day. I asked why and they said, “Superbowl.” I didn’t know.

6:42: Thank God for Bud-Light. Great commercial.

6:43: Snickers: So when I’m hungry I turn into Abe Vigoda or Betty White on the football field? That’s not true! I play like Abe Vigoda or Betty White when it comes to football no matter whether I’m hungry or full.

6:45: Okay, is Hyundai TRYING to be the most boring commercials?

6:46: GREAT Doritos ad. That’s the most devious animal since the squirrels that deliberately caused cars to get into accidents and then high-fived.

6:51: And unlike some Robin Hoods, he can speak with a British accent.

6:52: Oh my God, give that kid from the Doritos ad his own TV show.

6:53: Bud Light. Yeah, I definitely want these guys on meteor watch.

6:55: I wonder if quarterbacks ever want to shout at the crowd, “Would you shut up! I can’t hear myself think!”

7:02: Greatest Simpsons Coke ad ever.

7:03: I’ve been watching these Go Daddy commercials for three years and I’m still unclear on what they are. No, don’t bother explaining it to me: I don’t care either.

7:05: I”m not sure if it’s a good idea for Doritos to draw a direct connection between their product and funerals.

7:06: Any ad that ends with a woman resting her hand on her beaver gets my interest.

7:08: Now THAT was a car commercial. And it wasn’t even for the actual car, but the tire. Nice job, Bridgestone.

7:10: At this rate, the game will end 40-0.

7:18: Budweiser. You can’t go wrong with a commercial that’s got music from “Stripes.” I love the people with the tire tracks on their backs.

7:19: They were advertising “Shutter Island” for the latter part of last year. Then they moved it and dumped it in February. That doesn’t bode well.

7:20: HOW THE HÊLL DID THEY GET LETTERMAN AND LENO TO DO THAT TOGETHER? Maybe it was trick photography.

7:20: “Whichever team you support, may the other team play less effectively.” Okay, I want a t-shirt that says that.

7:21: Two commercials in a row, totally unrelated, both of which involve not wearing pants. That’s just bad planning. It was totally pants.

7:22: Okay, FINALLY a fun Hyundai ad. Wonder how that slipped by.

7:24: I still can’t get over that Letterman/Oprah/Leno ad. All they needed for a capper was Sarah Palin walking in with fried moose chips.

7:26: They should totally work Bud into an episode of “Lost.”

7:27: Now THAT’s a challenge. “You have to make a Super Bowl ad for men’s soap. Called Dove.” They certainly did as well as could be expected.

7:36: Is that Michael C. Hall talking? If it is, for God’s sake, give him a Dodge, give him whatever he wants. You don’t want to wind up strapped to a table wrapped in plastic.

7:38: Never watched any CSI program, ever, but I might give that a look.

7:40: “Another warm pig belly for my aching feet!” Sounds like an evening at our house.

7:44: Ariel absolutely cannot wait for the Harry Potter park to open. I wonder if she saw that ad just now? And I wonder if that’s the first amusement park ever based on book (not counting Bible amusement parks).

7:46: Flo TV. I’m not sure whether to be amused or offended by that commercial, as if choosing to spend time with your girlfriend instead of watching a game makes you gutless.

7:48: Cute ad for “Intel.” Even Robots have feelings.

7:52: Boy the FLO TV commercial brought back memories. Liked the quick shot of Andy Kaufman. I still hold out hope he’ll turn up alive.

7:54: “And after 30 minutes of play that took one and a quarter hours…”

7:55: By the way, for anyone reading this blog who really, REALLY doesn’t care about the Super Bowl, turn to “Animal Planet” and watch the Puppy Bowl. It’s awwwww-inspiring.

8:01: My God, they’re doing Tommy. Bless them.

8:02. Nuts. A medley.

8:03: * sigh * The years have taken the toll on Daltry’s voice, but man, they can still play.

8:12: Fun fact: Roger Daltry played an immortal on the TV series ‘Highlander.”

8:14: Seriously, if you’re not watching “The Good Wife,” you’re missing a great series.

8:18: Never heard of ‘The Back-Up Plan,” but I think I want to find out more about it.

8:20: I actually don’t know anyone who loves a Honda.

8:20: And it’s the return of “Super Bowl: The Musical.” Actually it’s starting to sound like the beginning of a Bond film.

8:21: If they can’t agree on who has the ball, they should just cut it in half.

8:28: “Prince of Persia” looks pretty cool.

8:29: Was that Megan Fox? If so that’s the best acting I’ve ever seen from her.

8:30: Never has there been a more perfect “punch line” than a whole commercial themed around punch buggy that ends with Tracy Morgan getting slugged by Stevie Wonder and demanding, “How do you DO that!”

8:31: Anyone care to call Barney Stinson at 877-987-6401 and tell us what’s there? I’m kinda busy here.

8:38: Thank you, Jeff and Julio.

8:39: Hey! The Griswolds! Screw “Homeaway,” how about a new “Vacation” movie where they visit the Grandkids?

8:40: Another great Bridgestone ad.

8:40: That means “Bring it on, fat man?” Someone said that to me the other day while smiling. I thought they were complimenting my t-shirt. Or maybe complementing it.

8:42: I’m sorry, the moment I started hearing “Bolero,” my thoughts drifted to Bo Derek and I was gone for sixty seconds. What was the commercial for again?

8:43: I’d be very disturbed if my baby spoke with that voice.

8:48: We finally got through as well. To go into detail, Barney first claims he’s not a recording, then chats you up briefly, says you sound great, and then suggests you meet at McClarens at (and a robot voice jumps in and says 3:45 AM, October 16, 2016.”

8:50: GET A BOOK ON PARIS, ÃSSHØLÊ!

8:52: I’m not sure what to make of the Sorento ad, but anything that features a character from Yo-Gabba-Gabba bowling is fine with me.

8:59: Metro something. Don’t get the commercial, don’t care about the product.

9:00: Sure hasn’t turned out to be 40-0, has it.

9:05: Maybe he should have tried dancing to “Single Ladies” before kicking.

9:06: Vizio. “The best of the Internet.” Isn’t that an oxymoron?

9:07: The popcorn and nuts commercial was awesomely bad.

9:07: I was interested in “Undercover Boss” until I found out it wasn’t an espionage drama.

9:16: I was wondering if/when the Budweiser clydsdales would show up. I feel like I just saw an entire Disney movie in sixty seconds.

9:20: If I can actually talk about the game: That 2 point conversion was huge. Now even if the Colts score and make the point, the most it’ll be is a tie; they need to score yet again.

9:21: Great Denny’s ad with the screaming chickens, especially the ones you couldn’t hear screaming in space.

9:21: I still feel like we need a great Justin Timberlake ad.

9:23: Saints fans should be sitting with Colts hats upside down to make the luck spill out of the horse shoe.

9:26: I can’t say I’m enamored of a United States that has turned into a terrorist police eco state. I won’t be thinking about buying an Audi so much as I would be thinking about moving to another country.

9:29 Manning picked off. How often does THAT happen?

9:30: That was the first Doritos ad that left me saying, “Huh?”

9:33: Oh God, the disconcerting babies are back.

9:43: Somewhere Queen Anthai is going nuts right now.

9;45: Something tells me Brees is going to be the head of the Mardi Gras parade this year.

9:47: MAKE THE CREEPY BABIES STOP!

9:52: That was impressive. I love seeing all the player’s kids on the field.

9:53: I wonder if Anthai is on Bourbon Street.

9:55: Yeah, no offense to Walmart fans, but I think my wife deserves something just a little more upscale for Valentine’s Day. At the very least, Sears.

9:56: Colts fans are busy throwing stuff at their TVs when the ad for “Saints Fans: Your team is great! Buy their stuff to celebrate it!” came on.

9:57: Everyone touches the Lombardi trophy as it goes past. It’s kind of like the football equivalent of a Torah, I guess.

958: Folks, we’re going to sign off, go upstairs and watch “Spartacus” in HD, because we just can’t get enough of sweaty guys slamming into each other. Plus: Lucy Lawless!