Stupid Instructions contest results, Part 1

Originally published April 14, 1995, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1117

Well, it’s that time. I know that all of you have been waiting with breathless anticipation. There’s been nothing else on your mind. But it is, finally, that time:

I’m ready to announce the results of the Stupid Instructions contest.

For those of you who came in late, the contest grew from the observation that Americans seem to be considered chowderheads by people who write instructions. Not only that, but we live in a world where odd statements have become commonplace. Where the senseless is taken in stride. For example, those announcements at the beginning of some TV programs where an announcer declares, “This program is close captioned for the hearing impaired.” And you try and figure out who they’re saying this for: If you’re deaf you won’t hear it, and if you’re not deaf, you won’t care.

The thing that finally put me over the edge, and prompted this contest, was an advertisement in Newsday for “penile implants,” which carried with it the 24-point type headline, Men Only. If we, as a society, are so brain-dead that we have to be reminded of what we got south of the equator (John Wayne Bobbitt notwithstanding) it’s time to reevaluate what we’re being told, and how it’s being told to us.

The first thing that I had to do was eliminate those entries which weren’t stupid enough. A number of them included instructions which might seem odd or even stupid but, when given a small bit of thought, are easily explained.

For instance, Sharon S. in Fargo, ND, gave us what she believed to be “the fraternal twin of an announcer saying a program is close captioned: Those stickers on restaurant windows showing that seeing eye dogs are allowed. If ya need the dog, you can’t see the sticker.” True enough. But there’s several reasonable explanations: The stickers might be in compliance with laws stating that such advisories must be displayed; they’re advising a sighted companion to a blind person that a dog will be permitted in; they’re advising sighted people that there might be dogs on the premises (useful to me, for instance. My three year old is petrified of dogs.)

Along further blind lines, Steven S. in Sheboygan, WI, points out “Drive-up Automatic Teller Machines with Braille instructions. Chances are a sighted driver won’t use them and a blind person probably won’t be driving up to the ATM to use it.” Again, true. But chances are even better that the ATMs are mass produced, for maximum economy, with standardized braille instructions and/or keypads. It’s not cost-effective for the manufacturers to make a percentage that’s non-braille.

Jason L. in Chalfont, PA, sent me a photocopy of the box cover for “The Great Houdini Hat Full of Magic,” which features pictures of a small boy doing magic and tossing around glitter. The box warns, “Glitter Not Included” and further advises, “Little Boy Not Included.” Jason says, “I fervently hope that this is a joke from whomever typeset the box.” I tend to think it is, Jason. Let’s give ’em a little credit, okay?

Glenn H. in Rio Rancho, NM, points out, “After watching some television programs they tell you that for only $29.99 you can order a videocassette of the preceding program. Now my question is that if I had wanted a copy of the show, I could have recorded the broadcast in the first place. If I have a VCR to watch the prerecorded cassette, I could have recorded myself and saved a bundle.” I’d be inclined to agree… except once I took advantage of the offer. I had stumbled across some program, found it incredibly interesting, thought it would be useful for reference purposes, and was cursing myself out that I hadn’t recorded it… when the offer for the videocassette came on at the end. So I sent for it.

Steve A. in White Rock, NM, points out his Whirlpool dryer says, “‘Caution: dry only fabrics cleaned in water.’ Um… okay. Nothing washed in pudding, I guess.” That’s pretty funny. On the other hand, if you got a recently dry-cleaned garment a little wet and tossed it in the dryer, residual dry cleaning chemicals could cause a fire. Not pretty funny.

And Bill J. in Dalton, GA puckishly said that I had requested “‘instructions… anything from anywhere that is phrased in a manner making it clear that the reader is considered to be an idiot.’ I didn’t have to look far. In fact, I only had to look three paragraphs further: 2) Put a stamp on the envelope; 3) Put enough stamps on the envelope.” Very funny, Bill… except in the past when I’ve held contests, each batch (including, as it turned out, this one) brings entries with no stamps or insufficient postage (even more likely in this case since rates had just gone up.)

Next, filed under “miscellaneous coincidence,” Michael M. in Palo Alto, CA, was good enough to send a page torn from a recent issue of Spy Magazine which had exactly the type of thing being discussed here. These included several of the more common entries that we received, plus a couple more: a McDonald’s coffee cup (“Caution: Contents Hot!”); Rubbermaid Roughneck Step Stool (“For safety, do not jump on this step stool.”); Dustbuster Cordless Vac (“Do not incinerate”); Glass Plus Glass and Multi-Surface Cleaner (“Do not operate in OFF position.”); Richard Caruso Molecular Hairsetter (“Do not use outdoors when raining.”); Conair Hair Dryer (“Never use while sleeping”); Norelco Clean Air Machine (“Do not use outdoors.”); All-Vegetable Crisco (“Not intended for use as a spread on foods like toast and crackers.”); Eureka Mighty Mite Vacuum Cleaner (“Cleaner should not be used to vacuum clothing while it is being worn.”)

So did that leave us with anything?

Ohhhh yeah.

I’ve broken them down into categories because… well… I felt like it.

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Most Stupid Planes, Trains and Automobiles:

Second Runner Up–Anita O. in Colorado Springs, CO, who informed us, “There is a road sign on I-70 in Nebraska that says (I swear I’m not making this up) Watch for Wind. As if we could see wind.”

Obviously they meant to say that you should beware unexpected gusts of wind. But they should have said that.

First Runner Up–Randall C. in Vancouver, WA, sent an example of Vancouver taxpayer dollars at work: A “Regional Travel Behavior Survey.” The intro letter from Transportation director Dean Lookingbill informs participants:

“You are among a select group chosen to take part in this follow-up to the 1994 Activity and Travel survey. The results of this study will be used to help regional planners predict how local residents may change their travel behavior in response to future changes in travel conditions.”

It appears that it’s a select group of morons, because included with the questionnaire booklet is a list of “key terms,” which the select group is advised to “keep handy while you complete the survey.” Leaving nothing to chance, some of the definitions included are:

Carpool–A carpool consists of two or more people driving in a private vehicle to the same destination, or destinations close to each other.

Drive Alone–The driver is the only person in the car.

Walk—-Walking is defined as traveling on foot. Walking may take place along roads or on designated bicycle/walk paths.

Closest stop to Destination–The closest stop to destination is the stop nearest to the location to which you are traveling.

Closest Stop to Home–The closest stop to home is the stop located nearest to your residence.

Distance Between Stops–The distance between stops is the distance the bus travels between scheduled stops.

Seat Availability–The seat availability refers to the likelihood of finding a seat available.

Travel Time–The travel time is the length of time you spend in your car, on the bus, bicycling or walking as you travel to your destination.

On a “D-uh” scale of 1-10, this one rates a 12. Mr. Lookingbill informs us in his cover letter, “This survey is unique; you’ve probably never seen one like it.” Given that it is indeed “unique,” there’s no “probably” about it.

This came real close to winning in this category, but it was barely nosed out by

First Prize–Michael G., from Hightstown, NJ, who sent the instructions for an Auto-Shade, from the nice folks in North Hollywood, CA. Auto-Shades are those cardboard things you put in your windshield to cut down on heat build-up in your parked car.

Steps #1-#3 give us the guidelines for the endlessly complex art of propping up a piece of cardboard on your dash. It’s Step #4 that is the absolute howler:

“Warning: Do not drive with Auto-Shade in place. Remove from windshield before starting ignition.”

Michael, in his cover letter, posits, “Can’t you just hear the conversation at the accident site: ‘But Officer–I was going the speed limit. I just didn’t see the other car coming when–Oh, dámņ! I forgot about the cardboard windshield shade! No wonder the road looked different than usual!'”

* * *

Most Stupid Movie Advisory:

First Prize–Gary Mark B. in Toledo, OH, wrote, “I would like to point out the notices on the John Boorman film of some ten years ago, The Emerald Forest. I do not have the print at hand so I am quoting from memory, but I am closely paraphrasing the sense of the words involved. At the beginning a title occupied the entire screen, easy to read, which said, ‘This story is true. These events really happened essentially as dramatized here.’ This title remained on screen long enough for even a very slow reader to follow.

“In the credits at the end of the film, in small print, appeared the following disclaimer: ‘Any resemblance of events depicted in this film to any real event or to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental.'”

* * *

My my. And that’s pretty much the whole column. More stupidity next week.

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705. What you do is put a letter in an envelope and… oh, forget it.)