Month: May 2011

UPDATED May 4th–Caroline heard a news report that bin Laden had been killed by SEALS. She was intrigued by the notion and asked whether they bit him to death or just hit him with their tails repeatedly. Perhaps bounced him back and forth on their noses until he couldn’t take it anymore. Personally I think leopard seals would have been the best seals for the job. You ever see the teeth on those things? Vicious.

1) White House counterterror chief John Brennan called Obama’s decision to green-light the raid “one of the most gutsiest calls of any President in recent memory.” Now while I agree that Obama was showing incredible nerve going all-in on his presidency with this attack (had it crashed and burned, the parallels to Carter’s failed rescue attempt would have been instantaneous and endless fodder for opponents and Fox), when I read that statement all I could think was: We don’t use proper grammar anymore? “Most gutsiest?” Really? You can say that Obama is a superlative president, but in this country we don’t use double superlatives, Comrade Brennan. It was either one of the most gutsy calls or, preferably, simply one of the gutsiest calls. How are we going to teach kids to speak properly if our leaders don’t know the basics?

2) One of the three people Obama called after the attack (along with W. and Bill Clinton) was Pakistani president Asif Ali Zardari to explain why the US had violated Pakistan’s airspace. I would have loved to hear that conversation. “Hi, Asif. It’s Barack. We just shot the šhìŧ out of bin Laden in a mansion that we both know your people must have known about, and if you say so much as one word right now, we’re going to fire an ICBM up your ášš and then go out for ice cream. Nice talking to you.”

3) Even better was Pakistani ambassador Husain Haqqani’s attempt to claim they had no knowledge of bin Laden’s whereabouts by contending, “Mafia figures manage to do this sort of thing in Brooklyn.” No. They don’t. Sure, maybe low-level wiseguys keep a low profile, but the major players? EVERYONE knows where they are. The government, the Feds. Little Jimmy down the street knows where the big guys live, for God’s sake. They’re wiretapped 24/7. For the most part, the only Mafia figures in hiding are the ones that the government has in witness relocation. Or, to put it another way: Yo, Husain? Your excuse? Fuggedaboutit.

4) A suggestion to the Navy. You know when your guys showed up, folded flag in hand, at the door of one of the Navy SEAL’s parents to inform them of their son’s great accomplishment? Yeah, uhm…you should have called first. As it was, they naturally assumed that your guys were there to tell them that their son was dead and the parents burst into tears upon seeing you. So next time ring ’em up and say, “Hi, this is the Navy and we’re calling with GOOD NEWS.” Say that fast and up front to avoid scaring the crap out of the people you want to honor.

5) It’s nice that this happened this time of year. Just think: This summer if, while you’re splashing around in the surf at the beach, you suddenly realize your bladder’s full and the tide’s going out, then feel free to empty it because it means you’re pìššìņg on bin Laden’s grave.

PAD

Obama critics were reportedly “overjoyed” to learn that a brand new subject to disbelieve President Obama over has presented itself with the “alleged death” of Osama bin Laden.

“How convenient,” said leading conspiracist Ida Noh, “that bin Laden’s alleged body was allegedly buried at sea. Where’s the body for inspection and identification? Where is the long form death certificate? In this country, if you want to be considered truly dead, you need the long form death certificate.”

With Obama having presented his long form birth certificate to supposedly put an end to the “silliness,” sources indicate that Birthers are relieved that they can now present a united front of disbelief over a different Obama-related matter. “We were,” said one source, “very nervous there for a while. We were starting to look like paranoid nutjobs. But this is a whole new thing that we can obsess about. Buried at sea? What sea? The sea near Hawaii, perhaps? Or some other foreign country? How convenient.”

It’s been reported that Birthers have officially changed their names to Deathers and will “continue the good fight until we see some further fake proof about bin Laden’s fake death.”

Superman, who is rumored to have personally shot bin Laden in the head in order to undo some of the recent PR damage he sustained over renouncing his citizenship, was unavailable for comment.

PAD