The Most Awards 1996

Originally published January 26, 1996, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1158

Oops. Almost missed an annual tradition here at BID: the utterly unasked-for “Most Awards,” named after the guardian angel of the column—Donny Most, forever known as Ralph Malph of Happy Days. So we’ll get back to the adventures of Ðìçk Cosmic, the Cosmic Ðìçk, next week. (Hey, don’t complain. If this were a comic book, you’d have to wait a whole month instead of just two weeks.) In no particular order, here we go:

Most Underreported Intercompany Event: Marvel vs. DC. Although it got plenty of play within the comics field, heaven knows, the Marvel vs. DC title didn’t catch the lightning-in-a-bottle publicity that “Death of Superman” did. This was something of a disappointment, methinks, but not entirely unexpected, for two reasons.

First, one must never underestimate the serendipity of planning a comic book event that breaks during a slow news day. That’s what happened with “Death.” Nowadays, there’s simply too much else going on in the world.

Second, the general public is pretty clueless over the fact that major characters are published by different comics companies. Even the board game Trivial Pursuit got it wrong. (To its question, “What company publishes the adventures of Superman, Spider-Man and Wonder Woman?” the answer was “Marvel,” which did not thrill the folks at DC.)

Besides, it was all overshadowed by—

Most Surprising Marvel Development Since the Last Surprising Marvel Development, But Not as Surprising as the Next One: It’s now official. Marvel has turned into DC. “Xerox Hour” wasn’t sufficient; with the advent of Jim Lee and Rob Liefeld taking over key Marvel characters and starting them from scratch, the last major difference between the two companies has evaporated. Marvel’s continuity has had bumps and bruises along the way, but it’s never just chucked the work of Stan Lee and Jack Kirby and said, “Let’s start over again.” Which is what’s happening now.

As for the next surprising Marvel development: Well, gee. I don’t know, really. But if it was the current ownership selling the company—or at least farming out the entire comics line (as Disney did when comics became too much of a pain)—that wouldn’t shock me. I don’t think it would shock anyone.

Indeed, that’s the impressive thing about Marvel. No one can be shocked anymore. Being in the comics industry is like being in a war zone. The shelling gets to you at first, but eventually you just stop jumping the way you used to when another one goes off.

Most Thought-Provoking Way to Die: Being squeezed to death between the thighs of evil Russian operative Xenia Onattop in Goldeneye. Boy, have I missed James Bond. I admit it: I’m a sucker for a Bond film. And Pierce Brosnan is the best since Connery. And Xenia Onattop is the best name for a villainess since Pussy Galore.

Most in Need of Bank Checks: The Comic Book Legal Defense Fund. The money has been pouring in steadily, and, fortunately, the ACLU has become involved in the Planet Comics mess in Oklahoma. Nevertheless, the CBLDF still has sizeable past legal bills, and a warchest needs to be accrued for upcoming battles.

I had been advocating that everyone who reads CBG send $10 to the CBLDF. Although the response has been gratifying, either a lot of folks are still holding out or else CBG‘s circulation has really dropped. As always, donations are tax deductible. The address is www.cbldf.org.

Most in Need of Reality Check: Those folks at Verotik Comics. I’ve had people try to turn me into a whipping boy before for their own public presentations, but this is setting new heights for giggle inducement.

Keep in mind that I went out on a limb for Verotik (and got some very hostile mail as a result), bucking a “call to arms” by a BID reader who wanted me to lead a boycott effort against Verotik. I had a vested interest in Glenn Danzig’s having as positive a public face as possible when Planet Comics ran into trouble.

So when I asked him, “What are you going to be doing to support the retailers facing prosecution over Verotika #4?” I was eager to hear chapter and verse of his plans.

Instead he said, “Nothing.” I asked him again, rephrasing it. Hearing the limb I was out on being sawed off behind me, I asked him six ways from Sunday if he was going to support Planet Comics, and the answer was always “No.”

“No one reporting on this case has accurately conveyed Verotik’s policies,” says Steven Wardlaw. Steven, how does one inaccurately convey the word “No”? Make no mistake, guys: I think it’s great that you changed your public stance. But you did change your public stance. You told me to “Do (my) research. There are always two sides to a story.” Yup. And I reported both. Maybe you weren’t ready for the response your side got.

“How valid are the opinions of someone whose livelihood is bankrolled by corporations such as Revlon and Time Warner, which have a lot to gain by putting Verotik out of business?” Steven demands to know. Putting aside that Revlon doesn’t own Marvel, and that I doubt either corporate entity gives a dámņ about Verotik, may I ask which opinion of mine has been invalidated by any connection—real or imagined—to a large corporation?

Would it be the opinion that Verotik should be allowed to publish whatever it wants, free of censorship and boycott? That parallels your own opinion.

Or would it be that people should donate money to the CBLDF? Since neither Marvel nor DC aggressively supports the CBLDF, to the best of my knowledge, that means I’m running contrary to Revlon and Time Warner practice. That covers the extent of my opinions about Verotik, so I’m at a loss to know what Steven and Glenn are talking about.

By the way, when Marvel went into self-distributorship, Brian Hibbs of Comix Experience announced in response that he would henceforth only carry Marvel titles (with a handful of exceptions) on a reserve-request basis. Since I was critical of Marvel’s business moves, perhaps that decision of Brian’s should be pinned on me, too.

Danzig was even more strident. “One writer singled out Verotik from other publishers in an attempt to scare retailers away from our product. Besides misquoting me and misleading readers, this writer found it important to also attack my family lineage. Clearly, someone has an agenda.”

No, the Oklahoma DA singled you out. And your initial refusal to pitch in, which you made clear both to me and to the CBLDF (so much for misquoting) scared retailers far more than I could. As for your family lineage—hey, you said you were descended from John Brown, which I thought was an impressive claim to make. And when I looked him up in the encyclopedia, it mentioned he had two marriages and 20 children, which I thought was even more impressive. So I mentioned it. End of “attack.”

After making the usual Peter-criticized-Image-a-couple-of-times-therefore-he’s-evil, blah, blah, Danzig concluded, “We have no master.”

Bad news. You do. You have thousands of masters. They go by a variety of names: They’re called retailers—and distributors—and customers. You should serve them to the best of your ability at all times in all ways, and they deserve better than smoke and mirrors, posturing, and kill-the-messenger mentality.

Clearly someone does indeed have an agenda. That someone is you. The agenda is damage control.

As I noted, I stuck my neck out for you. I supported Verotik’s right to publish whatever it wanted, and people accused me of being in favor of rape and brutality as a result. Then I gave you a chance in BID to voice your support for retailers and you made it clear—painfully, thoroughly clear—that you’d provide none.

Now you’ve turned around. Good. You’ve decided to do your job. Too bad the only way you can is to claim I didn’t do mine.

Most Entertaining In-Joke: On Chicago Hope, Mandy Patinkin’s Dr. Jeffrey Geiger ran into a demented priest who believed himself to be Eva Peron. The priest kept studying Geiger, muttering, “You look familiar.”

Anyone unaware that Patinkin played Che Guevera 15 years ago in the musical Evita must have been wondering just what the devil was going on. It’s the best musical theater TV heart surgeon in-gag since William Daniels as Dr. Craig on St. Elsewhere started belting out lyrics from his part as John Adams in 1776.

Most Fun Movie Pastime: When you go to the movies, check your watch when the film starts rolling.

Then, when you see someone in the movie drinking a Coca Cola, or you see a sign for Coke, or a Coke can is visible, check your watch again to see how much time has passed. The American President, for example, made it through an whole hour and a quarter before Michael J. Fox threw a can of Coke across a room. Powder went ninety minutes before Michael Jackson—I’m sorry, Powder—shared a Coke with his would-be girlfriend at a picnic.

Product placement can be fun.

Most Unfairly Harangued Oscar MC: I’m sorry, but I liked David Letterman’s Oscar stint. He took the normally turgid affair and had the temerity to transform it into just another segment of Late Night. It took guts to bring along all his usual shtick, up to and including his not-uncommon refusal to let a joke that didn’t work simply die.

(Now if he could have introduced Uma Thurman to, say, Yma Sumac—”Uma, Yma, Yma, Uma”—and then brought in Emma Thompson—”Uma, Yma, Emma, Emma, Uma, Emma, Yma”—and then brought in the musical group ABBA—”Uma, Yma, Emma, ABBA, ABBA, Uma, ABBA, Yma, ABBA, Emma—that might have been funny. Or if he’d pulled out the Three Tenors and said, “Oprah, Opera, Opera, Oprah,” that might have been funny.)

At any rate, I sure liked his gig more than I liked Whoopi Goldberg’s previous appearance. But that’s just me.

Most Upsetting Comic to Lose: Groo the Wanderer is wandering away. Bummer.

Most Unintentionally Ironic Statement: My 11-year-old, Jenny, upon spotting a newly released videotape of Kimba the White Lion, assumed it to be a knockoff of The Lion King and said dismissively, “What will they think of next?”

Most Welcome Return to TV: Due South, the wonderful series following the adventures of a Royal Canadian Mountie transplanted to Chicago and teamed with an acerbic cop—Fridays, 8 p.m. EST on CBS, and an absolute gem.

Most Welcome Return to Book Stores: Years and years ago, back when Star Trek was nothing but a canceled TV series, Trek high-priestess of fandom Bjo Trimble produced the invaluable and entertaining comprehensive index called the Star Trek Concordance. It’s finally back, revised and better than ever. Available in stores for $19.95.

Most Missed Pet: Ghost. Our pet cat of five years passed away of cancer a couple of weeks ago. Four-year-old Ariel, who grew up with Ghost, keeps asking about things dying. Oy.

Most Infuriating Cancellation: Comedy Central pulling the plug on Mystery Science Theater 3000. This smacks, not of ratings, but of internal political maneuvering. The series is only getting more attention, not less, and Comedy Central is foolish to pull it.

Most Irritating Plot Development in a Movie I Liked Otherwise: The whole “the toys can’t move” thing in Toy Story.

Here’s what bugged me. The conceit of the film is that toys are immobile when humans can see them. This makes sense if it’s a sort of involuntary reflex, imposed by “a higher power,” if you will. In fact, it makes sense that way, because otherwise Buzz Lightyear—who believes himself to be alive and not a toy at all—would have no reason ever to be paralyzed.

It has to be that he has no control over it, because otherwise he’d approach the boy, Andy, and announce, “I’m Buzz Lightyear, I come in peace.” If nothing else, he certainly wouldn’t freeze up when his existence is threatened by Sid the toy torturer.

(Spoiler Warning for Toy Story—as if everyone hasn’t seen it yet.)

Yet at one point, Woody the cowboy decides that the toys are “going to have to break some rules,” and they come to life right in front of a child—a hideous, obnoxious child, true—but it undercuts the entire premise of the movie.

The toys get into trouble because of their forced immobility. If they’re capable of movement, then oftentimes the jeopardy they land in is self-made. They could have eluded danger, but chose not to. Plus, as noted, Buzz’s actions make no sense.

It’s a story cheat. There’s some gratification when it happens, but it’s a cheat nonetheless.

Most Intelligent Presidential Candidate: Colin Powell. Smart move deciding not to run. Who the hëll needs the grief?

Most Unexpected Late-Breaking Development: At the top of this column I wrote of the “Most Surprising Marvel Development since the Last Surprising Marvel Development, but Not as Surprising as the Next One.” I wrote that on Monday, Jan. 1. And a couple of days later, the Next One hit. The Condo of Concepts has been rocked by massive layoffs and title cutbacks. More revolting developments in the Marvelution, and a move which has already been dubbed the “Marvelcution.” It’s not quite Perelman selling the company but it sure looks like a preparation to do so.

Ironic, when you think about it. Thirty years ago, Marvel consisted of one editor-in-chief, a handful of freelance creators, and a secretary. I’ve heard of Marvel getting “back to basics,” but this is ridiculous. Anyone know if Fabulous Flo Steinberg is still around?

Most Demanded End to a Column: This one.

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)