Vic Chalker returns

Originally published August 1, 1997, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1237

Vic Chalker: Hello, this is Vic Chalker, on special assignment to But I Digress, and I’m here with Ruth Beder-Batten, the President for the Coalition of Moral Animated Responsibility. Welcome to the column, Ruth.

Ruth Beder-Batten: Happy to be here, Vic.

VC: So, Ruth… it is my understanding that you’re here to announce that your organization is going to be joining the Baptist Church in boycotting Disney.

RBB: That’s correct, Vic. It’s something that I’ve been pushing for for some time now. As you know, our organization has been at the forefront over policing the wretched, godless corporation known as Disney. This company has been on a downward spiral ever since the creation of Touchstone films and the release of Splash. Imagine: A film with nudity, sex outside of the bounds of matrimony, and jokes about men’s private parts… all originating from within the Disney studios, no matter what label they may release it under. We organized prayer meetings at the Disney offices, you know.

VC: That’s…very impressive. And you think it’s been downhill since then.

RBB: Oh, no question. Little Mermaid with its clear degradation of women and destruction of the Anderson story… Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin which featured sorcery and magic as positive elements—both in teaching moral lessons or being incarnated as magical beings—when we know that anything having to do with magic is the devil’s work. And don’t even get me started on that grim, disgusting package called Hunchback of Notre Dame, a film that was an insult not only to Victor Hugo, but to a magnificent college with a proud football heritage. Plus there are the hidden messages as well, the little signs of smut peddling that has become Disney’s stock in trade. You know, for instance, the discovery about looking up Jessica Rabbit’s dress? We noticed that.

VC: That was you?

RBB: Oh my, yes. Went over it frame by frame to find that one. And those billowing clouds of dust that spelled “S-E-X” in The Lion King… we found that one.

VC: You know, Ruth, it could be argued that you’re poring over Disney films just looking for suggestive material. That if you keep looking and keep looking, you’ll find something even though nothing was intended.

RBB: Yes, our various opponents have made that very point. They’d even managed to convince some within our own organization of that possibility, which was why we had held out on the boycott for so long. We even managed to rationalize that what the Disney company does as part of their employee policies for their—what’s the polite term—fág workers—

VC: I don’t think that was the polite term.

RBB: Well, whatever. By and large, however, they’ve managed to keep their perversions of sex and religion out of the marketplace where it could corrupt the true audience for the films, namely youngsters. Now we simply boycotted Hunchback for obvious reasons. But with this newest insult, this latest attack on our sensibilities, why… we had no choice but to join in with the Baptist boycott of the company as a whole.

VC: I’m not following. What’s the latest insult? I mean, granted, 101 Dalmatians was pretty awful, but—

RBB: I’m speaking, of course, of Hercules.

VC: I’m sorry… what? Hercules? The new animated film?

RBB: An insult to god-fearing, morally upright individuals.

VC: You’ve lost me. Hercules, did you say? I’m sorry, but… well, I saw it, and it seems like harmless entertainment to me. Solid animation, semi-catchy songs—particularly “Zero to Hero”—and James Woods practically walks off with the film.

RBB: That simply goes to show you how thoroughly the Disney entertainment engine has managed to brainwash you. It is clear to me, and to the others in my organization, that Hercules is a ghastly production promotion homosexuality and Satanism, and is overall a sacrilegious film.

VC: How do you come to that conclusion?

RBB: All right… first, Vic, it’s set in Greece. Now I’ve been around. I know what that means. I’ve heard the jokes: In Greece, how do you separate the men from the boys?

VC: With a crowbar, yeah, I know. But that’s just a joke. It’s not like every man in Greece is gay.

RBB: True enough, I suppose, but where there’s smoke, there’s fire. And there’s no dispute about Hercules: He was gay. He had a male lover, Iphitus, whom he killed in a fit of madness. Hercules is Disney’s first openly gay, or at least bisexual, hero. Oh, they tried to clean it up, of course. That’s their way. But you can still tell. Look at him! He’s wearing a miniskirt, for heaven’s sake. A miniskirt and sandals. Is that the most openly gay ensemble one could imagine? It’s amazing that Disney thought such an outfit could possibly not be noticed. Where’s his earring, I wonder?

VC: I… don’t really think that the animators intended to—

RBB: And then there’s the villain. James Woods who “steals the film,” as you say, as Hades. How typically Disney. To take an individual who is supposed to be the incarnation of evil and turn him into the best thing in the movie. How more seductive of our children towards a path of dámņáŧìøņ can one possibly get?

VC: Well, Hades-the-place didn’t look all that attractive.

RBB: A minor consideration in comparison. There’s so much entertainment value in the character that he actually makes evil look fun. Entertaining. Certainly more interesting than the homosexual buffoon who is the lead character. And I haven’t even begun to explore the most sacrilegious aspect of the film. Hercules is an insult to every Christian viewer in this country.

VC: Because the movie is about gods?

RBB: Exactly. Exactly right, Vic, I’m glad you understand me. It’s right in the Commandments: Thou Shalt Have No Other Gods Before Me. If the Lord had meant us to find entertainment value in old Greek legends, he would never have given us the Ten Commandments. Think of the origin of Hercules as presented in the film.

VC: Well, actually, it kind of reminded me of Superman…

RBB: No, no, not at all. It’s an obvious recasting of the life of Jesus, with Hercules in the role of Jesus. His father is God. He comes down from heaven, tries to make life better for mortals. And then he is presented with the opportunity to return to that heavenly, or Olympian state, to be at the side of his father once more. It’s an insult, I tell you. What a horrible, sacrilegious tone for a movie to pursue. Zeus, Hera, they are all presented as gods. Hercules wishes to become a god as well. There are not gods, Victor. There have not been many gods for centuries. There is one, true god, and there is his son, and that is that.

VC: Well, I think that the Buddhists and the Moslems might have something to say about th—

RBB: To present a film wherein characters and concepts that should have long bee relegated to oblivion are treated as viable subjects for children’s entertainment… to have a story in which the protagonist aspires to godhood… good heavens, Vic, we should be teaching that God is God, the Beginning and the End, the Alpha and Omega. Mortals cannot, should not, aspire to be gods. We should be working for our reward in the afterlife, but that reward is not a heavenly glow and a chance to be a deity ourselves! And how is Hercules supposed to earn this heavenly reward? Through violence! Killing monsters, slaying monsters, kicking monsters halfway across what passed for the “civilized” world.

VC: Well, if you actually watch the film, that’s not exactly how—

RBB: What kind of perverted message are we sending to our children? Kids, get big and strong, pump yourselves up, beat up enough creatures, and your place in heaven is assured!

VC: Well, you know, Ruth, this has been really interesting, but I think it’s about time that we—

RBB: And don’t get me started on the funny satyr! Creatures legendary for their perverse and disgusting obsessions. And that’s his teacher! I can just imagine what he was teaching him. And did you see how jealous the horse became of Hercules and the girl? Just what was going on between Hercules and the horse anyway?

VC: This has been Vic Chalker with another BID exclusive.

RBB: And what was the deal with the singing darkies—?

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705. Remember those Garfield dolls that suck to your car window? I’d like to see a similar toy with plush George of the Jungle dolls. With maybe a really smushed-in face and some vine clutched in one hand. Imagine having one of those plastered against your car window, as if he’d just slammed into it. Watch out.)