8:06–Okay, watching the “opening ceremonies.” Guys? Saying hi to people as they arrive on a red carpet is NOT an opening ceremony. It’s not ANY kind of a ceremony. It’s just people getting there and talking to you. Stop calling it an opening ceremony because it sounds stupid.
8:31–BB8 unveils an Oscar. Yeah, that’s about as close to an Oscar “Star Wars” is gonna get.
8:34–And Chris Rock’s first jokes are about the great debate. Smart.
8:35–The Kevin Hart joke is a keeper.
8:38–Only dead black people in the In Memoriam. Well, if they leave out Leonard Nimoy, at least there’s a good reason.
8:43–Clooney should totally wear that outfit. Ultimately, I think Rock handled that brilliantly.
8:45–“We think you’re all hot. A writer wrote that.” Cute. God, please let “Compton” win. What a great opening statement that would be.
8:47–Oh well. On the other hand, it also would have been cool if “Inside Out” won just because it was so wonderful and original.
8:49–Whenever we see “Best Adapted Screenplay” I can only think of what Orson Scott Card said: If you do a fantastic novelization of a screenplay, it’s called talented hack work. If you do a fantastic screenplay of a novel, they give you an Oscar.
8:51–Rooting for “The Martian.”
8:52–Oh well. Two for two.
8:59–Well, now I’ll never see “The Danish Girl.”
9:06–That was interesting: that was the entire song. In previous Oscars sometimes they’ve forced them to do aborted versions.
9:12–Didn’t see any of those films so didn’t care.
9:14–They played her off with “The Ride of the Valkyries” and then segued into “You’re the One That I want?” Who the hëll is doing the music selections? Bugs Bunny?
9:20–How come Marvel Comics movies never get costume nominations? YOU try designing seven different Captain America ensembles.
9:21–Seriously, guys? The moment she says, “I have something important to say,” THAT’S when you kick in to play her off? Couldn’t give her ten seconds more?
9:23–Good call. “Furiosa, Guest Starring Mad Max,” had a hëll of a production design.
9:25–I CAN’T READ the stupid little comments on the screen. They’re too freaking small.
9:26–So I’ve been doing this for an hour and no one’s commented. Is anyone reading?
9:36–If “Mad Max” is nominated for this, just announce it won.
9:37–Christ! The one time I said “Mad Max” would win and it DIDN’T. I’m sucking at this this year.
9:39–Interesting. They’re doing this in the order that movies are made. I never noticed that there’s no Oscar for “Best Producer.” Heh.
9:40–Well, thank God “Mad Max” won because at least my initial “Star Wars” joke remains intact.
9:49–Good lord, is it possible that “Mad Max” could win all these Oscars for production and not get the Best Picture? Because I’m betting yeah.
9:51–Okay, I bet Mad Max wins again.
9:52–Yay. Finally got one right.
9:54–How about that! They won’t nominate Andy Serkis, but at least he’s there as a presenter. Or something.
9:55–Whoa! “Ex Machina?” Seriously? I mean, I haven’t seen it so I can’t comment, but it was more impressive than Mad Max? Or Star Wars, for God’s sake?
10:01–That was VERY smart directing, to cut to the kid reacting to the arrival of the ‘Bots. Adults are just smiling but the kid is like, “It’s the droids! It’s BB8!”
10:06–Just for the record, you can still buy Caroline’s girl scout cookies. I’ll put up the link at the next commercial break.
10:08–Ðámņ. Rooting for Sanjay.
10:11–Yay! Disney won something.
10:15–The song is from “Fifty Shades of Grey?” Seriously? Ooookay….
10:17–Well, that was unmemorable.
10:18–Okay! Commercial break! Go order cookies from Caroline! COOKIES!!
10:22–Ordered cookies yet?
10:23–I don’t like this showing trailers for the films. I far prefer when they actually show a scene.
10:24–You know, I’m wondering: if blacks had been nominated for acting roles and “Compton” or the director of “Creed” had been nominated, what in the world would Chris Rock have talked about this evening?
10:28–Come on, Sly.
10:31–Crap. I’d have loved to hear Sly’s speech.
10:39–That was the best presentation speech of the program. Possibly the best of the century.
10:45–Boy, the Price Waterhouse reps are getting younger and younger.
10:50–Okay! So let’s beat that Girl Scout total for Caroline!
10:52–Wait, the PRESIDENT of the Academy is a black woman!? Oh, she must have just loved the controversy this year.
10:59–They kept Leonard for the end. Wait to keep me holding my breath, guys.
11:08–I know I should care about this stuff, but I just don’t.
11:09–I think we’ve only heard two songs. How many were nominated?
11:10–I love how it took them twenty seconds to get to their feet. It’s the VP, for God’s sake.
11:12–Well, that answered my song question.
11:15–Wow. Helluva song. Too bad I never heard of the movie it’s from.
11:16–There is no freaking way this gets done by 11:30.
11:17–WHAT THE HÊLL IS KOHL’S DOING?! I mean, I get it, they’re taking Oscar acceptance speeches and putting them into completely irrelevant scenarios. I understand that. But WHY are they doing it? What am I not getting?!
11:21–Is Mad Max up for this?
11:22–Well, my Star Wars prediction has held up.
11:25–Hëll! Why didn’t they perform all the songs?
11:27–With all deference to Lady Gaga, “Writing on the Wall” is the one that stays with you.
11:38–Aw, come ON. George Miller’s team wins practically every award and he doesn’t get best director? That’s messed up.
11:40–Uhm, orchestra? He’s not paying attention to you. And they noticed! They actually shut up in the face of his speech! Excellent.
11:44–This thing’s gonna wrap just in time to switch to “The Venture Brothers.”
11:48–Really? I thought the actress of “Brooklyn” had it locked up. Hunh.
11:49–That was nice. No one ever thanks the movie goers.
11:56–Good. That makes up for ignoring him for “Titanic.”
11:57–Notice the orchestra isn’t even trying this time.
11:59–WTF?!?
12:01–Seriously? I mean, I’m sure it’s a good film and all, but holy cow. That just came out of nowhere.
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