Stupid Instructions contest results, Part 3

Originally published May 5, 1995, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1120

Well, this is the wrap-up for the “Stupid Instructions” contest. I did a dramatic reading of the second installment at I-Con in Long Island a few weeks back and people were sliding out of their chairs in hysterics. Maybe I should make a flexi-disk. It could have painfully detailed instructions on it ([1] place disk on turntable. [2] A turntable is that round thing on the phonograph. [3] A phonograph is that thing that predated eight-tracks…)

Most Stupid Instruction Translation

First Prize–Bill H. of Estes Park, Colorado, sends in instructions for the installation of an unnamed, un-brand-specific “gear head.” Bill writes, “Evidently, these directions were translated from a foreign language by someone with less than competent English skills…or an utter idiot.” (I should point out that the two are not necessarily mutually exclusive.)

The instructions certainly have a sort of Ed Wood-esque feel to them, filled with typos and odd structure. These include:

“When install the GEAR HEAD, a wood block should be put and knock it slightly with a hammer.”

“The spindle’s surface of drilling head set must be kept in a clean way. Clean-wiping is needed prior to fixing by turning each time. Meanwhile, the surface of the drill, too.”

“Air pedal control this machine. The air clamp and feeding are the onnected movement type, therefor, it is easy to operate.”

“Then, push the second time as soon as the drilling head separate from the work.”

“HANDS ARE NOT ALLOWED UNDER THE CLAMP.” (I mention this one just because the accompanying illustration is such a hoot.)

Most Stupid Food Stuffs

Ah, food. Something of consuming interest. Certainly there are places or situations where details would be helpful, particularly in recipes that have odd-sounding terms and no attempt to explain them. There’s no need to go overboard. When a recipe says “Add two eggs,” there’s no need to preface it with, “Crack eggs first and pour in only the stuff inside.” We can be trusted to figure that out. On the other hand, the first time I encountered a recipe that said, “Fold egg white into batter,” well, I’ll tell you, there was a mess. I’d try to pick up the egg white to fold it and it just kept oozing right out of my hands. What a mess.

In any event…

Third Runner Up: Larry U. of Nashville, TN. Larry sent a label off a can of “Healthy Choice Hearty Chicken” which carries the following warning: “This meal is not a cure for heart disease and is only one part of a daily regimen for healthy living.”

Larry continues, “Darn! And just when I thought I had discovered the fountain of youth on my Kroger food shelves! Y’know, I always suspected some kind of mystical heart disease cure to be present in Healthy Choice soup, but I guess I was wrong.”

What I find amusing is the way the label singles out heart disease. The inference is that it might indeed be a cure for lung cancer. Or an enlarged prostate. Or hearing loss. Or liver spots. Or shingles, or rickets, or hemorrhoids or thinning hair or…

Maybe we should start calling the nice folks at ConAgra Consumer Affairs (who fields Healthy Choice soup questions). Say things like, “Yes, hello, I’d heard Healthy Choice Hearty chicken was a cure for malaria. Is that true?” Ask them about all kinds of diseases. See just how long we can make the warning on the label.

Second Runner Up: Michael S. of Las Vegas, NV, writes: “My wife offered up the following stupid instruction from her crock pot. The directions state that the crock pot should not be left unattended. That makes sense until you realize that it will be cooking for six or more hours.”

Yeah, that puzzled me, too. I always thought the point of a crock pot was that you started dinner, went off to work, came home, and it was done. Remember when young married couples always got at least one crock pot for a wedding gift? That and a fondu set. Ah well, that’s why God created microwaves.

First Runner Up: Don F., owner of Goodtime Comics in Ennis, TX, sent in the box from Promise margarine. To be precise: It’s “Promise Ultra Fat Free Nonfat Margarine.” And in the ingredients, it reads, “Total Fat 0g.” If you were going to make any guess about this product, it’s that it is–all together now–without fat.

So what’s a hoot is that under “Amount per Serving” it reads: “Calories from Fat: 5.”

How the hëll do you get five calories from something that isn’t there? Because in the ingredients section under “Vegetable Mono and Digylcerides” (yum!) there’s a little footnote, and the footnote reads “Adds a negligible amount of fat.”

So in the world of Promise Margarine, the word “negligible” is the equivalent of “non-existent.” Either that or “ultra” is a synonym for “almost.”

First Prize: Marc L. in Lombard, IL, who sent in something of genuine historical interest. It would seem that stupid instructions are hardly new. He sent in a photocopy of a War Ration Book printed in 1943. War ration books, for any of you who are unaware, contained stamps authorizing the bearer to purchase rationed goods, such as food. Obviously, this was a very valuable document to have. So what was the very first instruction on the very first page?

“This book is valuable. Do not lose it.”

Can you imagine the outcry if our government had not cautioned its citizens thusly? I can hear the conversation now:

“I’m sorry, ma’am. No food for you. You lost the ration book.”

“Well it’s your fault! You didn’t tell me I shouldn’t!”

People are always saying children should come with instruction books. That sure would be a useful first line: “This child is valuable. Do not lose it.”

Even better: “Your mind is valuable. Do not lose it.” Great excuse to stay out of show business.

Stupid Home and Office Instructions

Stupidity, like Groucho’s secret word, is an ordinary item you find around you every day.

Fifth Runner Up: Carl P. of Laredo, TX, sends the cover from a box of Remington High Velocity 50 Centerfire Cartridges, which advises: “Keep out of Reach of Children.”

Yeah, no kidding. While we’re at it, let’s keep them out of reach of adults, too.

Fourth Runner Up: Steven P. of Verona, NJ, writes: “The company I work for (which shall remain nameless) used to give a $100 Christmas bonus to each employee. Not much, but greatly appreciated. One Christmas, the bonus stopped with no explanation. A few months later, during a company meeting, someone asked the president about the reason for the dropping of the Christmas bonus. Without missing a beat, he replied, (wait for it) ‘It was dropped for religious reasons. A number of employees complained about the name.'”

He couldn’t just change it to “New Year’s Bonus” or “Winter Bonus.” Nooo. Had to yank it entirely. Couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that he was now saving all that money, right? No, it was employees “complaining” about the name “Christmas” bonus. And which employees would that be?

When in doubt, blame it on the Jews. Hey, we’re not called the Chosen People for nothing.

Third Runner Up: Martin B. of Dover, NH, writes:

“You have to remember, sir, that as a professional writer, you’re amongst the elite when it comes to an understanding of language. What seems obvious and simple to you… may not seem that obvious to the man on the street unless it’s explained to him. As an example…

“For the last couple of years I have managed stores for a small chain of Dollar stores… Now each store has a large neon sign in the window that says “All Items One Dollar” and there are five large banners in each location that say “Everything in the Store–One Dollar… (and yet) I answer the question ‘How much is this?’ even on a slow day, at least fifteen to twenty times.”

Well, hey, Martin, I got one for you: It could easily be argued that your signs are stupid, too. Why? Well, next time I’m out your way, I’ll walk into your store, plunk down a dollar and say, “Give me everything.” You see, according to your signs, one buck–four big quarters–will buy me “All Items” and “Everything.” Your place is covered with neon signs and banners informing me that I should, for one dollar, be able to leave with every dámņëd thing in your store.

What the banners should read is “Anything in the store–One Dollar.” I’d change that ASAP if I were you, Martin, because I got a buck burning a hole in my pocket…

Second Runner Up: Jack R. in Lowell, Michigan, quotes from an Atari Jaguar videogame booklet: “If you experience any of the following symptoms while playing a video game–dizziness, altered vision, eye or muscle twitches, loss of awareness, disorientation, any involuntary movement, or convulsions–immediately discontinue use and consult your physician before resuming play.”

Now there’s a charming mental image: A kid writhing on the floor, seized by an epileptic fit, yet fighting with his last fragment of consciousness to get to the next level in the X-Men video game.

First Runner Up: Ed B. in Bedford, OH, sends in the instructions for the Fisher-Price 1-2-3 Roller Skates, which advise:

“Towing skaters with bicycles or cars is unsafe.”

No spit, Sherlock. Especially if the kid has a Remington High Velocity Centerfire cartridge clutched between his teeth.

First Prize: Harvey F. of Brent, AL, who sent in several interesting items, including:

A Black & Decker Toaster, which includes helpful hints (“Do not touch hot surfaces.” Well, d-uh.) and one genuinely bizarre scenario… “Do not place on or near a hot gas or electric burner or into a heated oven.” Into a heated oven? What kind of lunatic could possibly need or want to take a toaster and stick it in a heated oven (or, for that matter, into an unheated one.) I can see it now: “Honey! Bread’s not hot enough. Take the bread, toaster and all, and put it into the oven.” Hëll, you’d probably need an extension cord to do it. Talk about a lot of work to commit a truly stupid act.

Then there’s the Singer Upright Vacuum Cleaner which advises you to resist temptation by cautioning: “Never vacuum materials such as hot coals, cigarette butts, matches, etc.” and “Do not use to pick up flammable or combustible liquids such as gasoline or use in areas where such liquids may be present.” So if you’re in a hurry to clean out the barbecue and, while you’re at it, you suddenly notice the gas tank of your Ford Bronco has sprung a leak, whipping out the ol’ Singer Upright to attend to the situation would be a definite no-no.

And Harvey also brings up a story told on 60 Minutes several years ago:

“Apparently, a farmer put a ladder up against his barn on a frosty morning, without noticing that he had set it on some frozen manure. He went to do some other chores and the day had warmed before he got back to the barn. He climbed the ladder, which slid out from under him; the manure having thawed and become soft and slick. He sued the ladder manufacturer for his injuries because the maker had failed to warn him of such a hazard.”

And why indeed should they have warned him? After all, a number of people have made successful careers in the comics industry and, for that matter, politics, all based on a foundation of manure. It’s not what you use, it’s how you use it.

Well, that’s it. Maybe we’ll do this again some time, unless of course the stupidity level drops anytime soon.

But I’m not counting on it.

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)