So now that he’s turned 50

Posted By: Peter DavidPosted On:

Two questions come to mind when considering that the President has hit the big half century mark:

1) Obama can look forward to that joyful procedure that everyone who lives that long gets to endure: his very first colonoscopy. Will that be appreciably different from dealing with Congress?

2) Based on what is now known, or at least widely believed, about JFK and Marilyn Monroe, can we infer that Obama is having an affair with Jennifer Hudson since she sang “Happy Birthday?”

PAD

37 comments on “So now that he’s turned 50”

  1. Given Obama’s aversion to getting a media anal exam during the campaign, I doubt he’ll get a real one.

  2. I believe there was something in the news last year about Obama getting a virtual colonoscopy. I’m sure there is some way of making a metaphor out of this but I’m too tuckered out from driving back from Canada. Also, variations of the old “he’ll have to move his head out of the way” seem kind of obvious and played out.
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    Since I too should be undergoing said procedure at some upcoming point I will not tempt karma and simply wish the president a speedy pain free day.

  3. Expensive, excruciating pain in the ášš, nobody wants to do it, but everybody thinks it’s necessary (with good reason)?

    Sounds to me like a colonoscopy is exactly like dealing with Congress.

  4. When I had a colonoscopy (way younger than 50), I went in with a button that said “Your proctologist called; they found your head.” I told the doctor that if he didn’t hurt me, I’d give him the button.
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    I gave it to him, but he did NOT earn it.
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    And a word of advice: do NOT go to work the next day. You will NOT be pleasant to be around, colleagues WILL complain about that one particular physical side effect of the exam, and you will spend an inordinate amount of time in the rest room.
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    J

  5. Actually, the procedure itself isn’t a problem because you’re knocked out. It’s the run up to it that’s the problem. You have to swallow stuff you can’t stand and there’s an endless stream of šhìŧ to deal with…
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    Y’know, the parallels to Congress are becoming more and more evident.
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    PAD

    1. …and there’s an endless stream of šhìŧ to deal with…
      Luigi Novi: Aren’t you already knocked out by the time that comes out?

      1. No, they want the channel to be as clear as possible when they look it over, so they give you stuff designed to make your colon cleaner than it has ever been since you ate your first semi-solid food (or, for those unfortunate enough to have caught it, your last bout of H1N1, which cleans out both ends at once).

      2. I’m told the drink comes in several flavors now but they are all terrible and I’m also hip to the fact that they give you a huge glass and you force it down and only THEN are you told that this is merely the first of two glasses you must drink. And since you don’t want to be like the idiot who swims halfway across the ocean and is afraid he can’t make it so he swims back, you have no choice but to gag down the second glass of what has been described to me as a milkshake made of equal parts sand and evil.

      3. I think it was David Letterman who said that the stuff you drink before a colonoscopy is one of the few things that works exactly how they say it will. And I’ve experienced it twice, so I agree.

    2. YOU were knocked out. I have a medical condition that makes it awkward to give me general anesthesia, so I was given a Valium.
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      It didn’t help.
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      I’d actually forgotten that little detail until now…
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      J.

      1. I don’t think I was anaesthisized at all.
        (And I wasn’t even 40 yet.)
        And I only drank one fourth of that horrible stuff (and it was still far too much.)

    4. Oh god. I had to do this twice this year–January (wasn’t able to get clear enough for reasons I’ll explain) and April (got the procedure done). And since they found polyps I get to do it again in three years.

      The first time around, I drank the first glass and then made the STUPID mistake of going to the airport to fetch my lovely wife (I live in one town due to work location, go home on weekends; she came up to get me home and give moral support). Just before she arrived I felt the unmistakable urge to toss my cookies, and fortunately I made it to the bathroom in time. Got wife, headed back to the apartment…and just as we reached the parking lot, my body decided that it was time to get rid of everything, and it would not be denied.

      I had never experienced projectile woofing before. I hope to never do it again. My car still has a slight odor from the experience.

      At any rate, I never got the second glass down, and didn’t pass the “clearance” test (no pun intended). So I had to reschedule.

      Second time around I got the wife up here well ahead of time, and they gave me a “milder” version of the Crap-B-Gone (ho ho ho). I got about 2/3 of that down before the puking commenced. Next morning I went in and the nurse asked if I’d gotten it all down. I said no and told her how much I’d managed, and she said “Yeah, that’s better than most manage.”

      I remember lying on my side in the examination room, watching the nurse inject the Versed and wondering how long it would take to oh am I done?

      I was smart enough to do it on a Friday, so I had the weekend to recover. I needed both days.

    5. If you’re lucky, you’re knocked out. My previous Gastro-Interologist only prescribed mild painkillers, which made the procedure murder. My new GI prescribes much heavier drugs, and that makes a world of difference.
      –
      And I wish that I had only had to start getting the procedure at 50, I’ve had to have them every year or two since my late teens.

    1. Ðámņ, Jerry, warn a guy next time — I laughed so hard I nearly pulled something. (A muscle, you filthy-minded bášŧárd, a muscle.)
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      I’m not there yet either, but just had the pleasure of driving my dad to said procedure last week. I forwarded him these two clips.

  7. I got my first colonoscopy two years ago, way before 50. “Luckily” I have a good chemical tolerance that renders local anesthesia useless at normal doseage, so I had the total one and was out the whole time.
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    But I wouldnt worry about Obama’s health, I am sure he stays fit and healthy. He must, if he has to fit inside the leothards…

    http://www.bleedingcool.com/2011/08/03/glenn-beck-says-michelle-obama-responsible-for-new-spider-man-bendis-quesada-axel-alonso-respond/

    1. .
      Yeah, saw that the other day. It’s pretty clear at this point that Glenn’s mind only works in four gears.
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      (1) Making stuff up
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      (2) Paranoid and delusional fantasies.
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      (3) Outright, mind boggling stupidity.
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      (4) All of the above.
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      I love watching #4 the most. Beck usually rambles on without a clue for a few minutes and it’s clear to anyone with even a shred of knowledge about what he’s talking about that he’s so full of it that it’s no longer funny. Then you turn to the Glenn fan you work with and they’re mesmerized and commenting on how amazingly insightful and dead bang on he is.

      1. Last week, within the first minute of one of his shows, he tried to draw a comparison between the kids who were murdered in Oslo to the Hitler Youth, since these kids were at a camp that *gasp* involved getting youths involved in local politics.
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        It’s like now that he’s no longer in front a camera, he’s gotta up the ante on the microphone to get his jollies.
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        I’d have no qualms if he never got to go out in public with his family again.

      2. .
        You know what was really idiotic about his faithful followers in the Tea Party or supporters of the tea Party who are defending him on blogs and in talk radio? He just insulted them and they’re too stupid to realize it.
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        According to Glenn, a summer camp for kids that’s centered on politics is somehow like the Hitler Youth. Well, besides the fact that Young Republicans have done stuff like this for years, there’s this bit of news from earlier in the month to put a whole new spin on it.
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        http://www.tampabay.com/news/education/k12/tea-party-group-offers-summer-camp/1175119
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        “TAMPA — Here’s another option now that the kids are out of school: a weeklong seminar about our nation’s founding principles, courtesy of the Tampa 912 Project.
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        The organization, which falls under the tea party umbrella, hopes to introduce kids ages 8 to 12 to principles that include “America is good,” “I believe in God,” and “I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who I want to. Government cannot force me to be charitable.””
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        Yeah, a combo 9/12 Project (Glenn’s pet creation) and Tea Party group creating a youth camp centered around politics. So, you’ve heard it here first folks…
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        Glenn Beck has officially declared in his own words that the 9/12 Project people and the Tea Party are now officially just like the Nazis.

  8. Had my first violation at 40 because of issues. The wonder juice they make you drink is called Golytely which has got to be the most misleading name for a medicine that it should be criminal.I remember the pharmacist, when I picked the poison up, told me if I was advised to chill the water first before drinking the stuff not to do it. it would be like pooping ice cubes. I read about 4 readers digests cover to cover during my time of elimination. Good times, Good times
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    Now my wife would like to describe her last pap smear for all…..

  9. So, on to the 2nd topic presented by PAD: whether Obama is having an affair with Jennifer Hudson because she sang “Happy Birthday” to him. (Anyone else hoping this theory makes it on to Fox News, with “experts” explaining why it must be so?)

    Short answer: no.

    Slightly longer answer: The Kennedy/Marilyn performance was pretty unique, as she didn’t just sing to the president — she did so in such an amazingly sexy way that it seemed like she was going to rip her clothes off and jump him (yes, with his wife sitting next to him) the second she finished singing. Given what we later learned about JFK’s libido, and rumored liason with Marilyn, added that much more significance to the sexy rendition. I don’t think any subsequent president has been stupid and/or arrogant enough to have a mistress serenade them in public, on TV, next to his wife. And I think most White House staffs (staves?) have been PR-conscious enough to avoid renditions of “Happy Birthday” that sound like they could be on a pørņø soundtrack.

    (As an aside, I did like the episode of the cartoon BABY BLUES where a dad kept bringing his kid to a Chuck-E-Cheese-style restaurant to hear (watch) a hot employee do a sexy “Happy Birthday” song. It’s at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BurZfPNBW2o That was such a great show…)

  10. .
    I think he Obama would be smart enough to steer really clear of having an affair with Hudson. And it’s not even the political mess he would find himself in that he would want to avoid. Seriously, have you seen this girl’s husband?
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    Call it “fake” all you want, but the basics of some of pro-wrestling is grounded in actually wrestling and “fake” or not, a guy David Otunga’s size could probably kill most of us in a fit of jealous rage without breaking too much of a sweat.

    1. I wouldn’t be worried about David Otunga if I were Barrack; I’d be worried about MICHELLE. Woman’s fit enough to lay some hurt down…..

  12. Obama can look forward to that joyful procedure that everyone who lives that long gets to endure: his very first colonoscopy. Will that be appreciably different from dealing with Congress?

    Yes. At least with a colonoscopy, all the turds are flushed out first.

  13. First colonoscopy at 50?

    I’m ahead of my time I guess…I had one this year and I’m only 40.

  14. I had my first at 50 — actually a double whammy, as I first had the less invasive (but still required clearing the old poop chute…) sigmoidoscopy. But they found a polyp, so I went back in for the full colonoscopy and had the (benign, thank you!) polyp snipped out. I was mildly anesthatized — awake through the whole thing, but felt only mild discomfort. Happily, once that was removed, the docs gave me a “come back in 10 years” pass, as opposed to the five year guarantee they give for the sigmoidoscopy.

    I think a few of the Correspondants are confusing the laxatives they give you for a day or two before a colonoscopy with the barium drinks they give you when they’re doing an X-ray of the digestive tract. The latter are the ultra-gritty milkshakes from Hëll.

  15. I had three colonoscopies at the age of 22, I believe. Either within days or a couple of weeks of each other. (My intestines had begun to bleed and they were trying to find out why. Bad situation.)

    They sedated me, didn’t fully knock me out, and I was not a happy camper. Honestly, when they told me that they I had to have it a third time, I tried to escape in my wheelchair, but I had already lost so much blood, that I was slow and it was easy to catch me.

    I have to say though, there are worse things than colonoscopies. I’ll take those any day against having to have a nasal-gastric tube. (Shudder.)

    Happily, it has been almost 20 years since I have had to have any sort of tube. (Knock on wood.)

    1. Mine was at 34 for similar problems. I wasnt happy about it at all, but since my not-so-tactful Doctor had already mentioned the T-word upfront, I submitted to any test and would have asked for seconds. But as I said earlier, my difficult relationship with sedatives played for the best and I was put to sleep.
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      Regarding “worse things”… I dont know how to translate it but if you google images of “hemorroide trombosada” you will sure get a good idea AND figure out why my name translates as “the evil man”.

  16. Incredibly off topic but if anyone is anywhere near the Burlington NC area this weekend, The Paramount Theater of Burlington is putting on a stage version of Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog and, having just filmed the rehearsals last night so the cast and crew will have record of their incredible work, I urge anyone who loves Dr Horrible and/or quality entertainment in general to go see it. To say it works as a play would be an understatement. I only wish it were twice as long. http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=166829343373509 for details.

      1. Thanks jerry. the folks who are putting this on are a great bunch and I was happy to help out in my small way (mainly providing broken lab equipment for Dr Horrible’s lab).
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        Boy, working on a play seems insane to me. They put in an incredible amount of time and effort and when it’s over it’s….It would be like doing one of our movies and then burning the only print at the premiere. These folks are really dedicated to the craft.
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        I hope they get a good turnout–I fear too many of the people who tend to go to the theater (ie “old”) might blanch at a play that has the words “Horrible” and “blog” in it.

  17. I think it’s only fair to note that numerous credible sources, including author Donald so to – who wrote an impeccable, outstanding, fully-researched biography on Marilyn Monroe state that the alleged liaisons – taken as gospel by some – between Marilyn and the Kennedy brothers likely never happened.
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    While there is of course no way to prove it didn’t happen, research into dates show they were miles apart when they were supposedly together, etc.
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    Which just goes to show some rumors when not refuted eventually become gospel.

  18. Lets be honest: if you had a chance to get in the way back machine and go back and boink a young Marilyn Munroe who would NOT do that? Give JFK some credit he probably did and he lived the dream. In all seriousness: when a man cheats (at least the men I have known do it) they usually go for ugly and cheap (for evidence I give you one William Jeffereson Clinton and his choices: white trash Jennifer Flowers and stupid intern Monica Lewenski. My ex wife who I am sure was cheating on me (not that I cared. The marriage was over) before our divorce was final. She got a guy who was the opposite of me: short, bald, no education, and bi polar. For full disclosure: i DID have a chance to cheat but I thought better of it. Just to set up the situation: I was in school at the time and taking night classes and I became friends with a fellow class mate. She was a KNOCKOUT, single woman, she was funny smart, ohhh sooo sexy! One night we stayed after class talking (like we usually did) she came out and asked me what plans I had. I told her not much (Spider-Sense going off of course) that my then wife was out of town on a business trip and I was going home to chill and watch tv. What she said next I will NEVER forget as long as I live. Quote: “Too bad. You could come back to my house and I can rock your world.” Uh Uh Uh Uh..Then she said “Or we can goto my car and I can give you a (BLEEP) that will curl your toes.” Once again: ummm..did I hear what I thought I heard?? As if as she was reading my mind: She said “I like married guys and you are cute. Your wife is not taking care of you and I can.” Well after what seemed like an eternity and blowing (wrong choice of word I know but oh so perfect) a Force Point (gaming reference) and resisited the siren’s call. I told her that I could not because I WAS married and I took my vows seriously so I thanked her (through gritted teeth) for her “offer”. She was cool with it and we remained good friends for the rest of school. She said the offer was still standing. She graduated the following semester and we ran into each other about a year later (2007) at a local pizza joint and she asked about the offer. I just smiled and said no. She got a good laugh and that was the last I saw her. LOL Now in 2011 my gf is ALOT like her. LOL 😀

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