Originally published May 24, 1996, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1175
The following is a transcript from the Disney Villain Roundtable, held at Disney University in Disneyworld. Participants are Cruella De Vil, Jafar, Ursula, Scar, Gaston, and The Evil Queen. Moderator is Maleficent.
Malificent: Now that we have finished the typically vomitus luncheon offered by the Disney staff, I use the word with a certain degree of trepidation as I say… welcome… to the first annual Disney villains roundtable… Evil Queen, I didn’t quite catch that…
Evil Queen: I said nothing.
Malificent: Yes you did, and I suggest you repeat it.
Evil Queen: All right, you horned upstart: I said I should be moderating this panel. I am the first Disney villain. Snow White moderated the heroine roundtable…
Ursula: “Snow White, Snow White.” All the time with you, it’s Snow White and Snow White that. Have you ever considered getting a life of your own? Therapy, perhaps?
Evil Queen: You have a problem with me, Tuna Melt?
Ursula: It’s just getting old, that’s all. You have the emotional depth of Jan Brady.
Malificent: Not that I have a difficulty with the notion of insults, but before we embark on that course, let us introduce our participants. I am, of course, Malificent from Sleeping Beauty. The Evil Queen from Snow White…
Evil Queen: Green is not your color, my dear.
Malificent: Drop dead, again. Ursula from The Little Mermaid…
Ursula: Are you going to finish that shrimp roll?
Malificent: Shut up, Sea Cow. Next to her, Cruella DeVil from 101 Dalmatians…
Cruella: You’re all fools! Fools!
Malificent: The gentleman drooling all over her is Jafar from Aladdin…
Jafar: Beauteous Cruella, rarely have I seen such a vision of…
Cruella: One more word and that staff of yours will be planted where the sun doesn’t shine.
Malificent: Scar, from “The Lion King…”
Cruella: I cannot believe we’ve allowed some animal to participate. He should be a coat, not a panelist.
Scar: And wasn’t it sweet of you to cut some time loose to join us… especially since your services aren’t required for the new Dalmatians film. Glenn Close says hi, by the way.
Cruella: Why, you fleabitten…
Malificent: And finally… Gaston from Beauty and the Beast.
Gaston: If this monster is irritating you, madam… I’ll attend to him with arrow or sword, take your pick.
Scar: Oooh, I’m shaking. Especially since word around Pride Rock is that the Beast had you so terrified, you had a bit of bladder control difficulty…
Gaston: How many times are we going to have to go over this?
Malificent: If we could get back on track here…
Gaston: I was never “terrified.” It wasn’t terror. It was the twenty-seven beers I’d had the hour before.
Jafar: What a charming spectacle that must have been.
Gaston: Effete little bean-pole.
Jafar: Muscle-bound clod. Swilling booze, eating four dozen eggs a day. You’ll be on your third quadruple bypass by the time you’re 35.
Malificent: Shut up! All of you! I want to return to what was being discussed earlier: Motivation.
Ursula: Exactly. As I was saying before, Queenie here was motivated purely by jealousy over looks. How shallow can you get…and believe me, I know from shallow.
Evil Queen: Only I could be the fairest in the land!
Ursula: The Fairest? With anemic skin and painted on eyebrows? Darling, not to be cruel, but look in the mirror sometime. Oh, I forgot… Been There, Done That.
Evil Queen: I imagine that you couldn’t understand, what with your being one of the most grotesque villains around.
Ursula: Capable of transforming, however, let’s not forget that.
Evil Queen: And I changed, too… in one of the most frightening sequences in Disney history!
Scar: Oh, yes, *snicker* let’s not forget that. What a horrifying incarnation that was.
Evil Queen: My witch look was terrifying!
Scar: Not to burst your bubble, dear, but you looked like Marty Feldman.
Evil Queen: I did not!
Jafar: He’s right. Marty Feldman in a black shmatte.
Evil Queen: I don’t have to put up with this insolence! I’ll… I’ll…
Malificent: You’ll what? As long as no one lets you do the catering, you’re not much of a threat. So… all of you feel that jealousy is an inadequate motivation. What do you prefer?
Jafar: Power.
Ursula: Power, absolutely. Ahhh, the feeling of growing to giant proportions and threatening the hero…
Jafar: Tell me about it.
Ursula: I ruled the oceans…
Jafar: I ruled the universe…
Ursula: What are you doing after the roundtable?
Scar: I agree with my associates. Power is the biggest rush, the greatest high. There’s nothing like it.
Gaston: Nothing except love, and the pursuit of the woman who is yours by right of gorgeous looks and general fabulousness.
Scar: Far be it from me to concur with Roger Ramjet here, but there is something to be said for that… although it’s love in a rather attractively perverse manner, which makes it all the more delicious.
Malificent: Let’s not forget injured pride, shall we? Disrespect. Let’s say, hypothetically, you’re the greatest villain in the land and let’s say, hypothetically, you’re not invited to a party. Why, that’s sufficient motivation to… oh, I don’t know… put a curse on a helpless infant, don’t you think?
Ursula: It’s dangerously close to being frivolousness and unbecoming pettiness, frankly… but on the other hand, respect is important. Besides, I like the idea of tormenting the helpless. It has a charmingly sadistic appeal to it.
Cruella: You want tormenting the helpless? How about stealing newborn puppies to skin them and make them into coats.
Scar: Well, there’s sadistic, and then there’s just plain sick.
Cruella: Who asked you?
Gaston: I’m a hunter, and even I think that’s kind of twisted. At least being angry over someone being more gorgeous than me is something I could understand. Villainy just to make a fashion statement… I don’t know, that sounds pretty lame.
Cruella: Oh, go check your cholesterol level.
Malificent: All right, so…we’ve got motivations down…
Jafar: And motivation is key. Let’s remember, we make the movie. Our plans, our schemes, our hopes, dreams and aspirations: We’re what power the story. The so-called heros are merely spiders writhing within the web of our machinations.
Malificent: And in pursuit of those machinations, to what lengths can and should we go? Is anything fair game? Is there any point at which we’d draw the line?
Cruella: I committed assault, theft, driving with intent to kill…
Jafar: That’s nothing. I betrayed a trusted employer, demolished a city, attempted murder…
Ursula: I played off the desires of a love-sick mermaid and stole the power of the sea king…
Gaston: I caused a riot, and then stabbed the Beast in the back after he’d spared my life…
Evil Queen: I tried to get a Hunter to cut out Snow White’s heart, and then poisoned her myself…
Scar: I killed my brother, the king.
Gaston: Ouch.
Ursula: You win.
Jafar: You really are an animal, aren’t you.
Scar: You have no idea.
Malificent: I agree with the others. All of us, we engaged in our schemes and plans, but we really didn’t accomplish anything. But you… you not only pulled off a murder, but the victim was your own brother, and your monarch. Fratricide and regicide, all in one shot. It’s like something out of Shakespeare… or Japanese animation…
Scar: We try not to mention that.
Evil Queen: It’s true. To see one of the good guys die at the hands of a villain, you’d have to go all the way back to Bambi’s mother, shot by a hunter…
Gaston: That was me.
Ursula: Oh, it was not.
Gaston: It most certainly was. I have her head on the wall, back at my inn, if you’d care to look.
Jafar: You are one sick puppy.
Gaston: Don’t say that around Cruella, she might get ideas.
* * *
Next week: The Villains discuss the raw deals they’ve gotten, their unjust rewards, and just exactly how demented Cinderella was.
(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)
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Ah,cholesterol: the unsung villain of older movies…
BTW, for what it’s worth, back in the day amazing model Julie Strain did several photo shots dressed as Maleficent (including one with Dita von Teese as Snow White) and wore the costume for the fetish videos DARK HAVEN parts 1 and 2. Sadly, you’ll have a tough time finding the movies these days; and if you do, they’ll probably be on vhs.
Great, thanks for giving me a name I can’t possibly Google at work.
Dang it, Peter! I was always terrified of the Evil Queen’s witch form! Now, I’ll never look at her the same way again!
🙂
It is nice to finally read this one. I had read the second part of the roundtable when it originally came out years ago, and loved it.
As funny now as it was then. But wasn’t there an illustration (by Richard Howell?) accompanying this? Or was it with part 2?
You’re thinking of the Disney Heroines Roundtable:
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https://peterdavid-net.mystagingwebsite.com/index.php/2010/04/19/disney-heroines-roundtable/
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This villains’ roundtable was a sort of follow-up to that, and to my knowledge has never been reprinted like the heroines one has.
I remembered the drawing with the heroines, I just honestly felt there was one with the villains too.
The reprint of part 2 later proved there wasn’t, but it would have been nice if there was one.
Well, the evil queen’s transformation scene traumatized my kid brother (who was six or seven at the time). Guess that seeing Marty Feldman in Young Frankenstein could have terrified him as well.
Hilarious! Absolutely magnificent!
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I can’t wait for the Pixar session…
Sid Phillips: “You’re all a bunch of losers… OLD losers!”
Mr. Waternoose: “Randall. Handle the child.”
Side Phillips: “Hey, wait a- MMPH!”
Zurg: “I think the outfit is important. And a resplendent cape.”
Syndrome: “Now you’re talking!”