Space Cases: “Same Old, Same Old” Part 1

Originally published August 30, 1996, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1189

Gather round, kiddies—it’s another ripping installment of:

 Useless Stories

As I write this, I’m in sunny Montreal, where Space Cases is being prepped for its second season (set to begin in October). In that spirit, I’ve decided to show you a script that was written for the first season but—for a variety of reasons—didn’t get used. Written by Space Cases co-creator Bill Mumy and me, it shows the crew of the Christa learning one of the oldest lessons around: that the saying “May you live in interesting times” is the deadliest curse in the universe.

“Same Old, Same Old”

Teaser

 

EXT. SPACE (OPTICAL): Focus on a huge computer-generated vessel with smaller ships attached under its wings.  They release and descend forcefully toward a larger ship, firing.

HARLAN (VOICE-OVER): There’re six of them!  And I thought this was going to be tough!

INT. TEAM ROOM: A wide establishing shot with Harlan and Bova.

Harlan is wearing a high-tech virtual reality visor, a control stick in each hand.  Each stick is jacked into the visor through a thin cord.  Bova is wearing a visor as well, but he’s not playing; his arms are folded.

HARLAN: Hold on… quick dive… there!  Got that one!  Targeting another…

BOVA: You’ll never make it.

HARLAN: A week’s worth of dish duty says I get through the whole program.

BOVA: You’re on.

Rosie and Catalina enter.

CATALINA: Harlan!  It was supposed to be our turn for the simulation 15 minutes ago!

HARLAN: I’m in the middle of this!

CATALINA: You’re always in the middle of this, or that, or something else!  When are you gonna start doing something around here?

HARLAN: I do plenty!  And when I’m off duty, I do what I feel like! (into game) Ha!  Did you see that?

BOVA: Just luck.

ROSIE: You know, Cat, we can always come back…

HARLAN: (into the game) Almost there… allllmostt…

Catalina quickly crooks her finger to Rosie and kneels.  Puzzled, Rosie kneels next to her and then Catalina quickly pulls Rosie’s right glove off her hand.

ROSIE: Hey!  Cat, what are you do—

And gripping Rosie firmly by the sleeve, she presses Rosie’s hand against…

CLOSE-UP—Tight shot of Harlan’s foot.  Rosie’s hot hand is against it.  An aura of red promptly envelops Harlan’s foot.

ROSIE: Cat, stop!

HARLAN: (still into the simulation) This is it… I’m gonna… (suddenly feels the heat) Yaaaaaaa!!!

Harlan jumps around, dropping the control sticks.  He hops around like mad and then suddenly realizes—

HARLAN: Aw, no—the ship—

He tries grabbing at the control sticks, which are dangling.  He grabs left and right as they swing out of his way, moving past Bova, Rosie, and Catalina.  Rosie is pulling her glove back on, looking chagrined.

HARLAN: (freezes, “seeing” the end of the game) No!

BOVA: Wow.  I’ve never seen your ship go up in that big ball of flame before.

HARLAN: It’s not my fault!

BOVA: Make sure my dishes are extra clean.

Harlan yanks off visor.

HARLAN: Rosie, this is your fault!

ROSIE: No, it’s not!  Catalina made me!

CATALINA: It’s your own fault, Harlan.  You were hogging the game.

Everyone starts talking at once.

HARLAN: That doesn’t give you an excuse to hotfoot me!  I am so sick of you acting like you own the place—

CATALINA: You think you can do whatever you want to—and I’m fed up with it.  I’m not taking it anymore.

BOVA: (pretty much to himself) Clean, but not shiny.  I don’t like seeing myself in my plate.  It’s like eating food off my face.

ROSIE: Just because I try to be nice to everyone, people take advantage of me.  And then I get blamed.  Is that fair?  Is it?

Radu enters the room.

RADU: Hi, what’s going on?

ALL: Nothing!

RADU: Don’t yell at me!  What did I do?

HARLAN: What didn’t you do?  Always whining about how you’re treated—

CATALINA: You’re as bad as Harlan—the two of you arguing all the time—

BOVA: Nothing, really, except that time you blew steam in my face and I couldn’t see for a day—

ROSIE: Hey, I’m always trying to be nice to you!  I’m getting blamed again—

All ad-lib as Radu argues back and as the volume rises…

EXT. SPACE (OPTICAL): Focus on the Christa cruising, when suddenly it blows up.

FADE OUT

END TEASER

ACT ONE

INT. TEAM ROOM: The kids look up in shock as they see—

INSERT (ON WALL SCREEN): An image of the Christa blowing up, as per the end of the teaser.

BACK TO INTERIOR SCENE: As the kids stare at each other, the doors to the room open slightly, enough for us to see Davenport’s face.

DAVENPORT: What in—

With a sigh of frustration, she shoves the doors open.  She walks through and they almost slam on her.

DAVENPORT: What in the world is going on h—?

She looks up at the screen and gapes.  The following is done rapid fire.

DAVENPORT: Another warning from the future?

HARLAN: If we’d blown up, how could we send a warning?

BOVA: Alien transmission?

CATALINA: It’s only an internal monitor.

RADU: Hallucination caused by a virus?

ROSIE: I just did a med sweep yesterday.  Ship’s clean.

HARLAN: OK, then it’s probably a mechanical screw-up we shouldn’t worry about.

GODDARD (VOICE OVER): (filtered and on cue) Attention all hands, this is Commander Goddard—do not be alarmed.

INT. COMMAND POST: A wide-angle establishing shot of Goddard and Thelma, who are looking at the screen.  Thelma is standing at the command console.

GODDARD: I was having Thelma run stress simulation visuals on the Christa to evaluate our shield strength.  See how much of a pounding we could withstand before we… (opts not to go into detail) At any rate, she’s just informed me that an odd energy glitch caused the picture to appear throughout the ship.

THELMA: I hope it did not cause any undue stress to ship’s personnel.

INT. TEAM ROOM: With Davenport and the kids.  We see, just for a moment, that Davenport is seated with her head between her legs, hyperventilating.  Harlan steps into frame, looks down at her, and shakes his head.  She looks up at him, but he’s exited.

DAVENPORT: Mr. Band—

She heads out after him—

INT. CORRIDOR: Davenport stops Harlan sternly.

DAVENPORT: Do you have a problem, Mr. Band?

HARLAN: It’s nothing.  Well, look, with all due respect, I just knew you were going to do that.  That when faced with danger, you’d start to panic.

DAVENPORT: I never panic!  I’m just—calm-impaired.  Anyway, this isn’t about me; it’s about all of you.  What were you all bickering about?

HARLAN: Aw, it was stupid stuff.  I think the real reason is we’re bored.

DAVENPORT: Bored? With everything that’s happened to us, how can you say that?

HARLAN: Nothing’s happened in weeks.  It’s been chores, studies, more chores, more studies.

DAVENPORT: Be grateful.

HARLAN: Seven more years of this?  We’ll go  crazy!  We need challenges to keep us on our toes—and not just the same old, same old.  Something new!

DAVENPORT: With all due respect to you, Mr. Band—if you find constant threats of death preferable to routine—you already are crazy.

Harlan shakes his head and walks off.

DAVENPORT: I think I’d best have a little chat with Commander Goddard.

EXT. SPACE (OPTICAL): The Christa flies by (stock shot).

GODDARD (VOICE-OVER): Miss Davenport tells me you people are bored.

INT. ENGINE ROOM: Wide establishing shot of Goddard and Catalina.  Goddard is running a detection device along the circuitry.  Cat is doing a similar thing on the other side.

CATALINA: I guess a little, yeah.

GODDARD: Well, that’s nothing new for space travelers.  I remember one time, back when I was in the Stardogs, we were on a star-mapping assignment.  We were so bored out of our skulls we decided to stay awake.  No reason.  Went 73 hours without sleep.  That’s when we invented the unofficial Stardog salute.

Demonstrates a bizarre “Woof Woof” salute.  Cat stares at him.

GODDARD: Ahem!  I guess you had to be there.

CATALINA: I feel like that was our main problem at the Starcademy.  We were tagged as “misfits”, but we were really just bored with the routine of—(glances at her instrument) Ah!  Commander, I think I’ve got a reading on tracing that circuitry glitch. It’s piping through to—(looks at him significantly)—to the deck just below us.

GODDARD: Oh, no—not again—not—RAPID ZOOM in on Goddard, and MUSICAL STING accompanying as he says:

GODDARD: The Haunted Corridor.

[To be continued]