Peter gets jokes

Originally published September 26, 1997, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1245

People keep sending me jokes.

I’m not entirely sure why. But literally every day now, whenever I log on AOL, I find funny lists, jokes (some of them unprintable in a family publication) etc., in my mailbox.

So I figured I’d share some of them with you.

Why? Because (a) I’m crushed between deadlines on New Frontier books and several other projects, and (b) I’m feeling kind of down about Princess Di at the moment and don’t feel like talking all that much. So… I’ll let others talk for me.

The main thing I regret is that I can’t always credit the original authors. These aren’t always like that wonderful Xena parody in which there was a name attached. But where I can, I will.

 * * *

The first came from, of all people, editor Kevin Dooley:

If I ever become an Evil Overlord…

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is NOT too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, “Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?” My reply will be, “No, just sensible.”

8. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him.

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled “Danger: Do Not Push”.

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me–

I’ll do it myself.

12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum—a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14. I will not waste time making my enemy’s death look like an accident: I’m not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn’t believe it.

15. I will make it clear that I DO know the meaning of the word “mercy”; I simply choose not show them any.

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he’s caused.

22. I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”

23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

* * *

The next item came from “Trillseekr.” Some of them kind of sound like Steven Wright’s (“Why isn’t there another word for thesaurus’?”) brand of humor.

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say “Open here”? What is the protocol if the package says “Open somewhere else”?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

* * *

Lastly, this also came from Trillseekr, but there’s actually an author’s name attached to this one: Diane Kornf (although that may not be her full last name, but hey, I tried.)

In honor of the new season of Voyager… yes, here they are—my fearless psychic predictions for the upcoming Voyager season—direct from the Voyager JCC Psychic Hotline.

At some time during the season the following will occur:

1. The Voyager will encounter a spatial anomaly!

2. A shuttlecraft will be damaged or destroyed!

3. After an attack on their ship, crew members will be forced to hang on to the nearest equipment as they are thrown mercilessly from side to side. Some may even fall down!

4. During such an occurrence, part of Janeway’s hair will fall out of her pony tail.

5. One of the crew members will die!—I see, yes, I think I see the color red—could possibly be a red shirt.

6. Janeway, seeking companionship, solace, and stimulation (intellectual stimulation of course!) will turn to none other than, yes, you guessed it, a holodeck character—the emotional equivalent of hiding under a desk perhaps?

7. Several crew members will be forced to use the turbolift!

8. Contrary to what you may have heard, Tuvok will not mate with Neelix in an effort to reproduce a son named Tuvix.

9. Genevieve Bujold will not guest star as Neelix’s new love interest.

10. Jeri Taylor will not guest star, period.

11. The Voyager will encounter a terrifying alien species called the… let’s see… I sense a B, possibly an O, maybe a G. Yes, that must be it, the BOG!

12. While on their journey home, the crew of the Voyager will not recruit tall, athletic aliens with promises of multi-million dollars contracts and advertising deals.

13. Janeway will be seen looking at Chakotay’s lips.

14. The new Borg, 7 of 9, will not start a prostitution and gambling ring.

15. Chakotay will say, “Yes, captain,” several times.

16. Janeway will say, “Let’s do it.” It is unclear whether she says this to Chakotay or to the bridge crew in general.

17. Millions of fans will be confused and misled by Paramount Voyager previews.

18. Harry Kim will be part of an away mission.

19. The doctor will say, “I’m a doctor, not a(n)…” Sorry, the last word will not come in.

20. Janeway and Chakotay will be seen naked together in a bed, on the grass, in the turbolift, and in the water—Oh wait, I’m sorry, I believe that last one belongs on my Voyager FanFic Psychic Hotline List.

Remember, these predictions are guaranteed to have at least a 50% chance of being true! Yes, there is a 50/50 chance that we will, or will not, see these in the upcoming season.

If you would like to call the Voyager JCC Psychic Hotline for more fascinating details that will make your life more fulfilling, help you find that love interest you seek, get you more money on your job, just call 1-900-474-747-4747. All calls will billed at $47.00/minute. Proceeds go to support the JCC Addiction society.

—Diana K. (I apologize if I have inadvertently stolen any ideas from anyone. We psychics never know where our information comes from. It just appears.)

 

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport,NY 11705. But you probably knew I was going to say that. Hey! Maybe you’re psychic!)