Post-Oscars (Year 2000)

Originally published April 14, 2000, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1378

In honor of the Oscars just past, a special Oscar-oriented “But I Digress”…

Prediction: X-Men will not be up next year for Best Picture. Haven’t seen the film. Haven’t read a script. Saw the trailer, looked interesting. Have no idea what the competition might be. And yet I’ll go out on a limb and say that it will be not make the cut for Best Picture because, gosh darn it… if Blade didn’t manage it, then really, what’s the point?

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Andy Kaufman had it all planned out. What was going to happen was this:

Jim Carrey was seen as an absolute lock for a Best Actor nomination for Man on the Moon. Carrey even speculated that he wished Kaufman would actually walk out on stage and snatch any awards out of his, Carrey’s grasp. Kaufman, having seamlessly faked his death years ago, was more than ready to accommodate Carrey’s wish. It was his intention to wait until Carrey won. There would be Jim Carrey, on stage in front of millions of people, accepting the award, and saying, “This award is really for Andy.” At that point, Kaufman would walk out, take the statuette from the dumbfounded Carrey and—in front of a stunned audience—would say, “Tenk you veddy much.” The place goes nuts and it becomes the top moment in Oscar history, vaulting past the streaker behind David Niven or Ms. Littlefeather, the Native American who accepted on behalf of Marlon Brando.

(You know I have to admit, I’m getting more and more confused by the politically correct terms assigned to nationalities. I know they’re supposed to be more accurate… but they’re actually less so. Native American? Isn’t a native someone who was born there? I was born here. Then there’s terms having to do with ancestry. People whose forebears were brought to this country from African centuries ago are “African Americans.” My mother was born in Israel (at the time “Occupied Palestine”) which is on the continent of Asia. Therefore by that logic, I—a white Jewish guy—can accurately refer to myself as a Native American or an Asian American. Not to sound too much like Rodney King, but… can’t we all just be Americans, for crying out loud? People fought and died for the right to be called Americans. Shouldn’t we be honoring that accomplishment instead of attaching tons of prefixes as if the word “American” isn’t good enough? But I digress…)

Just to make sure he was on hand, Andy even got himself a job working for the Motion Picture Academy. He took a job in shipping and receiving (under an assumed name, of course.)

And then, a sinister fate torpedoed Andy’s plan. Once again, in a dazzling repeat of his unfair snubbing for The Truman Show, Jim Carrey was brushed aside again. This totally mucked up Andy Kaufman’s carefully constructed scheme for his return. Well, you know what? Nobody, but nobody, interferes with Andy Kaufman’s plans without paying the price.

The first thing Kaufman did was making sure that thousands of ballots went away. His next stunt was even more impressive: In casual conversation, he dropped subtle hints to a couple of Roadway workers that, gee, wouldn’t swiping the actual Oscar trophies be a way cool idea? They’d probably be worth a ton of money. He didn’t actually tell them to, nor did he mastermind any sort of theft. He simply made a few, broadly worded comments. So broad, in fact, that the truckers didn’t realize he’d planted the idea. Next thing you knew, they were gone.

The truckers were nailed, of course, but as of this writing, three of the statuettes are still M.I.A. They actually won’t be all that difficult to find. One is for Best Actor, the second is for Best Director, and the third is for Best Script. And they are all sitting in Andy Kaufman’s apartment, where he is laughing softly to himself and making plans for how best to further muck with people’s minds.

Presented for your inspection: A legend that will not die, making acceptance speeches…in the Twilight Zone.

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People continue to cite the violent images of movies as inspiring real-life violence. So why is it that, if the graphic war and meticulously depicted death of Saving Private Ryan causes people to feel violent, that Shakespeare in Love is not credited with mass outbursts of poetry and romance?

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The advent of the Rocky and Bullwinkle movie this summer has inspired a line of plush toys at CVS Drugstores. They come in three sizes, and they are absolutely magnificent. These include: Rocky and Bullwinkle (including a taller Bullwinkle dressed as “Mr. Know-it-All,” complete with book); Boris and Natasha and Fearless Leader; Dudley Do-Right, Dudley’s horse, Snidely Whiplash, and Nell Fenwick; Mr. Peabody and his boy, Sherman; and the little wand-wielding fairy from “Fractured Fairytales.” I’m not sure how or why this happened, but between this set and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer toys, CVS has become the premiere source of quality plush toys from homeless animation (“homeless” meaning animation unserviced by a line of dedicated studio outlet stores.)

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Wouldn’t it be cool if Billy Crystal’s middle name was “Dilithium?”

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All this hollering about the language in “Blame Canada.” Has everyone forgotten about the performing of “Mean Green Mother from Outer Space” from Little Shop of Horrors? That song had far more instances of raunchy language than the two “naughty words” from South Park. Granted, there’s irony considering the film was about censorship and free speech, but the song itself was about how censorship is a good thing. So somehow it makes a weird kind of sense.

* * *

Inspired by The Cider House Rules, we give you…

The Spider House Rules:

1)               No smoking during any battles with supervillains. No smoking, even if you’re Nick Fury or J. Jonah Jameson, because eight year olds might be inclined to light up stogies.

2)               Do not suffer a wife to live, unless she is also a superhero.

3)               Eight shall be the number of the last issue, and the last issue number shall be eight.

4)               Herb who?

5)               No eating lunch on the roof. Or in the Negative Zone.

6)               No clones.

7)               No installation of a revolving door on the offices of top management, since that will be considered to be too obvious a gag.

8)               No depiction of swastikas

9)               Accessorizing is your friend. There is no costume or superhero uniform that cannot be improved upon by the addition of a black leather jacket, cinched at the waist.

10)           If a hero has, through inattentive handling become one-dimensional, make him a one-dimensional villain.

11)           If a villain has, through skilled writing, become multi-dimensional or heroic, make him a one-dimensional villain.

12)           Stan Who?

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705. He fully acknowledges that there is no more boring show on TV than the Oscars. He also watches it every year in its entirety and wouldn’t miss it.)