DVD Dread (circa 2001)

Originally published January 26, 2001, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1419

They almost had me. They almost had me totally sold on DVDs.

Several years ago, I complained quite bitterly, in this very column, about the new format which was rendering my beloved laser disks obsolete. This upstart, this annoyance. Sure, my lasers were taking up a ton of room, but the picture quality was great, you could jump around for specific chapters instead of trying to fast forward with video tapes. And then these… these little frickin’ coasters called DVDs come along, with patchy transfers and totally different players, threatening to push out my movie format of choice.

So a couple of things happened. My laser disk player busted, and rather than get it fixed, I decided to hedge my bets. Got myself a new Pioneer combination laser disk and DVD player. I figured, What the hëll. Just in case the DVD thing catches on and I’ve suddenly got the laser version of eight tracks, at least I’ll be ready.

Then a reader of this column sent a big honkin’ box of DVDs. The packing material (along with his note) promptly and mistakenly got tossed out, so I wasn’t able to write him a thank you note. But he sent an interesting assortment of DVDs (from the company he worked for), and y’know, the transfers had improved tremendously. And they were starting to have interesting extra stuff on them.

As much as I hated the notion of technology advancing in the area of home theater, always leaving me with a sense of playing catch-up, I started to warm up to DVDs. God knows it was nice not having to get up and switch disks halfway through a long movie, because of course they were entirely self-contained. And dámņ, y’know, they sure took up less shelf space. Plus the extras they started loading onto them became more and more ingenious, from narratives to missing scenes to creative soundtracks. For instance, if you were so disposed, had way too much time on your hands, and were more than a little insane, you could watch Galaxy Quest dubbed over entirely into Thermian. That kind of thing.

And I was thinking, “Y’know… this DVD thing is pretty nifty.” When new releases came out, I wasn’t bothering with video tapes, and even during the time when both lasers and DVDs were offered, I started favoring the DVDs. I was becoming a convert.

Now I hate them again.

And I will tell you why.

A couple years ago, I took my kids to see the Cathy Rigby version of Peter Pan. She was, to be succinct, the best I’ve ever seen, and I’m someone who grew up on Mary Martin and saw Sandy Duncan on Broadway, so I’ve got a basis for comparison. Rigby just nailed it in a way I’ve never seen any other actress manage. From her athleticism to the British accent she effected which made the dialogue sound far more “real” than any plain American accent had ever managed, she was a revelation. So when a filmed version (with the flying wires digitally removed, no less!) became available on video and DVD, naturally I got one. Actually, to be totally accurate, Kathleen got it for me.

So I sat down with the kids and popped it into my trusty Pioneer so we could relive the magic.

Nothin’.

I tried “play” over and over, tried “Search,” tried “Menu.” Nada. I tried thinking happy thoughts. No go. Blank screen. Thing wouldn’t play.

“Drat,” I said, “it’s defective.”

So it was returned to the Borders it came from and exchanged, and I brought it home and tried it again.

Still nothing.

I tried some other DVDs, just to make sure it wasn’t the player. But they played normally. Now I was starting to get suspicious. So I brought the DVD to my local PC Richards and asked if I could try playing it on one of their floor models.

And it worked fine.

Whereupon I was informed that they’ve started making DVDs… which earlier models of DVD players won’t play. And it’s not as if my warrantee for my Pioneer player covers this, because the thing isn’t broken. It just can’t punch through the encoding on some of the new DVDs, for no reason that I can determine.

And while I was pondering what to do about this, Kathleen bought me the new DVD collection of The Prisoner. We kicked back to watch the first one just the other day.

Same thing. Blank screen.

It’s not as if all DVDs are like this. I bought X-Men, and Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker. They played just fine.

What’s the connection between the disks that didn’t work, other than that Kathleen bought them for me and they start with the letter “P?” They’re manufactured in conjunction with the Arts & Entertainment network, A&E, that’s what. So anyone who has an early model DVD player and is thinking about getting DVDs of A&E, it’s not A-OK because you’re gonna be SOL.

It’s not ending there, though. I’m told that more and more DVDs are going to be useless on earlier model players. And I am furious about it, because this is hitting a new low for tech becoming outmoded. When 8-tracks gave way to cassettes, which in turn were replaced by CDs… it wasn’t as if you could accidentally buy a CD for your tape player and find yourself with a wasted purchase. VHS tapes wouldn’t even fit into a Beta machines. And when they come out with new computer games, the boxes are clearly marked as to the requirements for playing them: How much ram, and memory, and what kind of chips—Pentium or chocolate or whatever—and all that other good stuff.

But the new DVDs carry no requirements or warnings at all. They don’t say, “Pioneer DVL-700 won’t play this disk.” And if you get one that won’t function? Well, as my kids are fond of saying, displaying the closest thing to compassion that teens possess: Sucks to be you.

Do the DVD manufacturers have an exchange program where you can get a DVD that will play on the earlier model? No. Does Pioneer have some sort of exchange program to swap out for an up-to-date player? No. Jeez, don’t even get me started on Pioneer, a nationwide company which has no listed 800 number for customer service. When I finally did track them down, they kept me on hold for literally half an hour before they told me, in essence, Too bad.

I’ve grown accustomed to the notion that as new technology comes out, if you want to keep up with it, you have to buy new hardware to do so. But I am incensed that the technology has not fundamentally changed—it’s still a DVD—but we’re now being told that if we want to keep up to speed with what we already have, we have to purchase new equipment even though the current player works just fine. Each new DVD that comes out is a crapshoot: It might play, it might not, and there’s simply no way to tell until you bring it home. So you’ve got DVD manufacturers producing product with no warnings as to whether you’ll be able to play it, and an equipment manufacturer who is not interested in standing behind its product.

As far as I’m concerned, it comes across like a cheap ploy to force people to buy new DVD players even if they don’t need them, even if they don’t want them. And a year or two down the line, the DVD makers can come up with brand new unlabelled DVDs with an even more indecipherable encoding so it can start all over again.

You’ve heard of planned obsolescence? Welcome to the 21^st Century equivalent: Planned rip-off.

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)