So for Caroline’s birthday dinner (she’s 14 today) we took her out for dinner at our local Outbacks. In the course of the evening, I was recalling an incident at another restaurant many years ago. There was a guy sitting near me who was out on a date with a girl, and he was trying to entertain her by telling her a series of lightbulb jokes.
And she wasn’t laughing, possibly because none of them were funny.
I paid my check and as I got up to leave, I saw a resigned expression on the girl’s face. I paused at their table and said, “How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?”
Surprised, she looked up and said, “How many?”
I replied, “The fish.”
And she broke up. She thought it was hysterical. And the poor guy glared at me because he’d been coming up empty and I had her laughing with one joke. I got out of there as fast as possible.
And in relating that bit of humor from many years gone, we discovered that Caroline was wholly unfamiliar with light bulb jokes. We were horrified that we had omitted that bit of education from her life.
So we want to tell her light bulb jokes.
So hit us with your favorite light bulb jokes.
Don’t go google it; we already did that. My favorite from that one was:
“One.”
“How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?”
So wrack your memories and tell us the lightbulb jokes that have stuck with you all this time and we will tell Caroline.
PAD
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How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
How many Centauri does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
“Just one, but in the great old days of Republic hundreds of servants would change a thousand lightbulbs at our slightest whim!”
Er, sorry, you know that one already…
Sheridan: How many Minbari does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ivanova: I don’t know, sir. How many Minbari does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sheridan: None. They always surrender right before they finish the job and they never tell you why.
My favorite lightbulb joke doesn’t translate too well online, or even over the phone.
How many Teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
(Step right into person’s personal space, preferably about one inch from their nose) SEVENTEEN. YOUSE GOT A PROBLEM WIT DAT?
How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, that’s a hardware problem.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the bulb has to want to change.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but they have to be really small to fit in there.
How many Enterprise redshirts does it take to change a light bulb? We don’t know…none of them have survived yet.
How many Donald Trumps does it take to change a light bulb? Just one; he holds it and the universe revolves around him (or so he thinks).
And my favorite; How many Philadelphia Airport employees did it used to take to change a light bulb? Three; a mechanic to take off the cover, an electrician to change the bulb, and a janitor to sweep up after. The reason it’s my favorite is that it was the truth (note the “used to”; I don’t know the current status) and was used in Ed Rendell’s campaign for Philadelphia Mayor a while back.
How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
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Californians screw in hot tubs, dummy!
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How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
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Well, you know, my arthritis, but I know you have important things to do, so I’ll just sit here in the dark
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Never mind, it’s alright, I’ll sit here alone, in the dark.
Ðámņ, Mike beat me to it.
How many cats does it take to change a lightbulb? No, I said change it, not bat it arou — goddammit! I’ll be back in a half hour or so. I have to run out to the store to replace a broken lightbulb.
On a somewhat different – but related, in a way, note:
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Many years ago, a gang of us had gone to a “Mongolian Barbecue” joint her in the Atlanta area (up on Buford Highway). I was wearing a t-shirt that Susan had given me – for, i think, our fifth anniversary – that said “Let go of my ears, I know what I’m doing.”
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A young couple – seventeen, eighteen – were in the line where you selected ingredients to combine how you wanted and take to the guy at the grill to cook.
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As i was passing them, she happened to glance my way, and, as always when wearing that shirt, i recognised the take she did and what must have caused it.
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I kept an eye cocked that way, and it was obvious that she was telling her date that he had to see it.
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I decided to be helpful, and, without looking in their direction, i looped back into the line behind them to get some more mushrooms, onion and bean sprouts.
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He looked.
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I could see him reading it – his lips didn’t QUITE move.
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And then he turned back to his date, and said (more or less) “I don’t get it.”
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And her expression, as she realised that he was going to demand what was so funny … and that she was going to have to explain it to him …
My brother Patrick and I came up with an alternate punchline to the “How many Surrealists. . .” lightbulb joke.
“Two. One to hold the giraffe, the other to fill the bathtub with plastic garden tools.”
The weird part was hearing that version circulate back to me as one of the guests on a panel at a convention told it. I didn’t know him, and there was a certain thrill in the realization that a joke I’d helped create had spread beyond my immediate circle of friends and acquaintances.
That’s nothing. In my “But I Digress” column I wrote a piece called the DIsney Princess Roundtable. Several years later it wound up being sent to my email, minus my byline or any attribution, from someone who didn’t know I wrote it but said, “Someone sent this to me and I thought you might find it amusing because you’re so into Disney.”
PAD
Well, did you find it amusing?
Guess you had to be there.
Coming out of the film “Dragonslayer” with a gang of friends – we would get together on opening day and hit SF, fantasy or just Interesting movies in a gang – i spontaneously generated a shaggy dog story in which i explained that the virgin sacrifice girl we see in the opening sequence had originally been given a name, instead of just “Virgin Sacrifice” in the credits.
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She had originally been going to be named “Yna”.
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Which, of course, made her “Pure Yna, dragon chow”.
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That one made one of the national feature services.
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With no credit to me.
How many stand-up comedians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the light bulb and two to stand at the back of the room and say, “How long has he been up there?”
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How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
Why does it have to be a light bulb?
How many abstract impressionist does it take to change a lightbulbs?
Two. One to hold down the giraffe and the other to fill up the bathtub with brightly colored bicycles.
Apparently it takes a third to edit the speech to text so the tenses don’t get messed up
Once again, my joke has mutated and returned back to me. How weird is that?
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One! We are efficient, and not big on humor.
(Best performed in a German accent.)
Wow, someone did my producer joke already.
Okay, how’s this. How many aerospace engineers does it take? What, you need a rocket scientist for this?
Here’s a pretty good list, although there’s some choice language. http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/88old/bulb.html
HOw many psychologists does it take etc… One but the lightbulb must want to change
Ðámņ beaten to it. Twice!
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. Two to sue the lightbulb company, two to sue the electrician and one to tell the paralegal to do it.
https://www.eyrie.org/~thad/strange/lightbulbs.html
In ASCII, yet.
How many IRS agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only one, but it really gets screwed.
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
The entire team! And they all get a semester’s credit for it.
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How many skunks does it take to change a light bulb?
A phew.
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How many local TV news anchors does it take to change a light bulb?
More at 11.
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How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They believe that the darkness will force the light bulb to change itself.
For some Legion of Superheroes fan fiction I once had the following lines of dialogue:
MATTER EATER LAD- 2!
DANIELLE- I don’t get it.
MATTER EATER LAD- Because Imskillions can shrink really small.
DANIELLE- I know THAT! But what’s a lightbulb?
Well, I thought it was funny…
How many vampires does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They like it in the dark.
How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but I don’t know how you get them in there.
How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb, and the other two to say, “I could have done that.”
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, it’s a really obscure number, you probably haven’t heard of it…
How many Bizarros does it take to change a lightbulb?
“Ha! Stupid humans! Them am replacing perfectly good busted lightbulb with rotten working one!”
How many Hanna Barbera super heroes of the stone age does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One – “LIIIIIIGHTOR!”
How many Warner Brothers characters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two.
Bugs: “Hey Daffy, you gotta change that lightbulb.”
Daffy: “Oh no I don’t!”
Bugs: “Oh yes you do!”
Daffy: “Oooh no I don’t!”
Bugs: “Oooh yes you do!”
Daffy: “Oooh no I don’t!”
Bugs: “Oooh no you don’t!”
Daffy: “Oooh yes I do!”
The completion of the joke is left as an exercise for the student.
How many trekkies does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and the other to complain that the original was better
I don’t know where you originally heard the surrealist lightbulb joke, but I was first introduced to it when someone retold the tale of a TV show in the 80’s that was having a “Make Henny Youngman Laugh” contest. No one was even getting so much as a smile out of him, until that joke was told, and the person telling it was declared the winner.
My turn : How many Guardians of the Galaxy does it take to change a lightbulb ?
“I am Groot !”
How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
“Lightbulbs should not be changed. They should be exterminated ! Exterminated ! EXTERMINATED !”
How many Jeremy Clarksons does it take to change a lightbulb ?
“None. Mr. Clarkson has the best lightbulbs IN THE WORLD !”
And one I’ve read in Denny O’Neil’s “The Question” : How many citizen of Hub City does it take to screw a lightbulb ?
Only one, but the bulb has to be broken first.
(rimshot).
How many Old Japanese Women(tm) does it take to change a lightbulb?
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“Change?”
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(As seen in The Japan Times.)
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Alternatively …
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How many Old … etc …
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None. They all use fluorescent tubes.
I’m surprised I haven’t see this one already:
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb and another to kill him and take the credit.
I’m surprised I haven’t see this one already:
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb and another to kill him and take the credit.
I’m surprised I have seen this one already, Oh, wait….
I discovered my favorite lightbulb joke in a transgender forum.
How many trans people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but first they have to live in the dark for a year to make sure it completely, absolutely needs changing, and have the confirming opinions of two electricians (at least one with a PhD).
Donald Trump was asked during a recent interview “How do you change a lightbulb?” in which he responded: “I am currently being audited.”
How does a monkey, a dog and a cat change a lightbulb?
The cat tells the monkey to get on the dog’s back to change it. The dog tells the monkey to lift the cat up to change it.
The monkey just flings poo.
How does a Taoist change a lightbulb? He gets the Buddhist to do it.
How does Donald Trump change a lightbulb? He waits til 3am, has his manservant change it, takes the credit for it, then spends the next hour tweeting about how great and awesome of a job he did.
How many higher education faculty and administrators does it take to change a light bulb?
We can’t say yet, but we’ve applied for a grant to identify the systemic weaknesses that lead light bulbs to burn out and to explore potentialities for creating the necessary interdisciplinary synergy to encourage bulbs work smarter, not harder and realize their full potential. Results to be shared in next year’s international light bulb conference.
(Yes, I’m a little frustrated with academia atm.) 😉
For the obscure “Avatar The Last Airbender” fans:
How many airbenders does it take to change a light bulb? None…because everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.
And the really horrible one, told to me by my daughter the ex-Disney College Program member:
How many straight cast members does it take to change a light bulb on Main Street? Both of them.
(crinnnnnge…)
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Sorry, that’s a hardware problem.
How many binary programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
10. One to hold the ladder, and one to climb up and change the bulb.
How many pørņ stars does it take to screw in CENSORED
* * *
How many role players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Roll 1d4 to find out how many, then roll 1d8 to make a skill check to see how well they do, then roll 1d20 for the light bulb to make a saving throw, then consult the rules for the newest addition, then check online for errata, then…
How many _______* does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three, one to hold the bulb and two to spin the ladder.
*insert favorite ethnicity here.
Matt Dow
How many Lutherans does is take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’re opposed to change.
I remember being at some kind of gathering as a teenager with my church youth group that involved lightbulb jokes for all kinds of Christian denominations, but all I remember from that was this one, because I had a lot of Lutheran friends, and the Presbyterian one, because that’s what I was at the time:
How many Presbyterians does it take to change a lightbulb?
We’re expecting the report on that from the committee next week.
As an adult, I switched to the United Church of Christ and one day realized I no longer knew “my” lightbulb joke. So I did what made sense to me and asked the minister. He didn’t know either, so I looked it up online and laughed my head off because it described that particular church to a T.
How many members of the United Church of Christ does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eleven, one to change it and ten to organize the potluck at the post-lightbulb-changing reception.
How many Hillary Clinton voters does it take to change a lightbulb?
We dunno. They’re still re-counting, and the bulb’s still out because they changed the wrong one.
How many climatologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
19
One to actually change it, one to alter the database to make sure that it went out at the correct time, two to alter the models so that they confirm that it was SUPPOSED to go out then, and 15 to accuse the fossil fuel energy companies for causing it to go out…
How many people does it take to replace a classroom lightbulb at the university?
27
One professor to report it.
One department clerk to take the report, and fill out form CRMR-24.
Three postal clerks to route the CRMR-24 to the maintenance dept.
Two maintenance department clerks to receive the form CRMR-24, decide that it is missing some information (Which lightbulb in the room?) and send it back to the department, twice…
Two other clerks in the maintenance department to take the finally accepted form, and put it on the maintenance schedule.
A maintenance supervisor and a crew of four to go to the room, and discover the light bulb has already been replaced by a student A/V tech who replaced it three weeks ago when ANOTHER professor had complained to him that the light had been out for three months…
And twelve people on the maintenance commitee who order the student worker fired for changing the bulb without the proper paperwork!
How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, but the rest will say they could have done it with more emotion….
How many President-elects does it take to change a lightbulb? None. The lightbulb is the greatest lightbulb in the world. It doesn’t need changing. But if it did need changing, I would change it better than anyone else ever. Let’s make this lightbulb great again! Hillaryclinton’semails.
Also: Happy birthday, Caroline!
Here’s one I remember from the Steve Martin / Rick Moranis film My Blue Heaven:
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What is the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
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You can unscrew a lightbulb.
How many chickens does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Only one, but he has to cross the road first.
An oldie but a goodie:
How many Dungeons & Dragons characters does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One high level character to change it and three low level characters to share the experience.
And my all time favorite light bulb joke:
How many of [Sub-Group] does it take to change a light bulb?
N+1. One to change the light bulb and N to [engage in behavior stereotypical of Subgroup].
Yeah, I know. It’s still my favorite.
This one was funny in the 1990s, but people won’t get it today:
How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb? None, they declare the darkness to be the new standard.
How many Andrew Lloyd Webber does it take to change a lightbubl ?
Only one, but he has to see someone do it first.