NOTE FROM PAD: This sets a new record as our speedy contributors have given us three chapters in less than twelve hours. Outstanding work. Hugh Casey chose to give his chapter a title; subsequent contributors can follow suit or not as they see fit. And I feel confident in saying that with the revelation of the Potato King, we’re hitting new heights of lunacy.
Woeisme, sailed through the woods, riding upon the back of Principal Flutie, and thinking to herself all the while that this was REALLY inappropriate, and would probably get him fired if she reported it, but then if the whole “I’m a werewolf” thing didn’t get the principal canned, then running though the woods with a sixteen-year-old-looking-but-really-an-eight-year-old-girl on his back was really small potatoes.
Speaking of which…
Flutie stopped suddenly before an old, abandoned VFW hall, dropping Woeisme from his back as he changed back into human form. Fortunately, Woeisme’s supernatural reflexes allowed her to land lightly and lithesomely upon the ground. “Well, here we are!”, Flutie chipperly snarled.
Woeisme looked around at the crumbling building before her. “THIS is where the Potato King is?”
“Yep,” said Flutie.
“But this is ridiculous!” she cried, “Seriously, why would the king of potatoes have a bunch of werewolf servants? And what the heck is a VFW hall doing in the middle of the forest!?”
Flutie grabbed her throat and pulled her face so close to his that she could see the seam of his toupee. “QUIET! This plot is dangling by a thread as it is! If you go thinking about it logically, the whole book is going to come crashing down around us!” he growled at her. He then let her go, and led her through the doors.
***
As Woeisme stood in the dark, damp room, Flutie standing near her, the other werewolves moved about the hall, turning on the dim lights. It looked like any other VFW hall, and seemed to be set up for a fire-hall wedding reception. There were tables and chairs around a small dance floor, a small bar generously stocked with Miller High-Life (The Champagne of Beers!™) (Dear Miller Brewing Company: I expect my product placement payment deposited directly to my bank account, as we discussed.), and a jukebox playing “The Girl From Ipanema”. There were also bags of Idaho potatoes scattered about the room.
“What is THIS all about!?” cried Woeisme, a sense of dread building up within her rapidly developing chest. “Who IS this “Potato King”!?”
Suddenly, the door at the far end of the hall opened, and a well-dressed, middle-aged yet youthful-looking man stepped out of the shadows and into the light. Woeisme gasped in recognition.
“That’s “POTATOE King” to you,” smirked former Vice-Presidential candidate Dan Quayle.
“How did you DO that?” Woeisme queried.
“Do what?”
“Actually pronounce a silent “E” like that?”
Quayle smirked an even smirkier smirk. “I can do many things. My powers have grown greatly since the potatoes made me their king those many years ago.”
Woeisme stood, confused. “But…I didn’t even know that potatoes were REPUBLICANS!”
Of course they are! They’re from freakin’ IDAHO! Besides, haven’t you ever seen “McCain Potatoes”?” Quayle snarked.
“But… why have you brought me here?” Woeisme asked questioningly.
“Because your potent, and yet currently mysteriously undefined, supernatural powers, combined with my own, will make us invincible! You will stand at my side, ruling with me as my POTATOE QUEEN! Then the potatoes will be able to rise up and take our revenge upon humanity for generations of mashing, deep-frying, and going too heavy on the garlic!”
Woeisme looked at Quayle with a look of disgust. “You’ve got to be KIDDING me? You DO realize that I’m only EIGHT, right! I mean, that’s IMMORAL!”
Quayle walked over to her and took her chin in his hand, holding her face up so her eyes met his. “Please. I used to be a U.S. Senator and GOP Vice-Presidential candidate. As far as being immoral goes, this is a cakewalk!”
Suddenly there was a crash outside, and the strangled sound of a guard being strangled.
“Something is out there!” growled Flutie.
Woeisme’s older brother, Something, strode confidently into the hall and stopped at the door, making sure to pose heroically. “That’s right, Dog-Face! And I’m not alone!”
And behind him, Edwood unsmilingly stepped into the light, sparkling determinedly.
• 
Great stuff. I love the revelation of the Potato King.
.
I think we’re solidly into the second act now, so full plot ahead!
…Wait, this has a plot?
Well, it has a villain. That’s always a start.
Great Miller line. Yeah, that Quayle bit is amazing because it’s so ridiculously out of date it becomes genius again. I’d like to imagine that Dan Quayle is sitting on his computer, finally confident that the world has stopped making fun of him and then BAM he finds that.
I also loved how the Werewolf pointed out how the plotline is clearly descending into madness. Very meta. If in doubt, hang a lampshade on it.
Quick question for the people who’ve actually read the Twilight books. If it weren’t for the similar names, would this thing even be recognizable as Twilight parody?
Well, that is an interesting one. The writing style of the Twilight books is both incredibly recognizable because it has so many flaws, and very stereotypical. Basically, her writing reads like fanfic. Make that badly written fanfic. I think that were it not for the similarities of the names it would not be entirely recognizable as a Twilight parody after the first couple of chapters. Once you start getting the potato king involved it is a little harder to make a connection to the Twilight series. Although I have to say that the original series would have been much improved by having a potato king. So, there is my rather unnecessarily long answer. *grin*
Tsk. He wasn’t just a GOP Vice-Presidential candidate, he actually was Vice-President.
Unless… nah.
Ah, but was that a MISTAKE, or was I leaving an opening for a subsequent author to run with it and create yet another thrilling plot twist?
I’ll never tell… ;-P
Indeed! For all we know, the VFW hall will be central. It’s fun not knowing which careless phrase or typo might be seized upon by a future writer. 🙂
This may be rather cool,
But will they sing?
A musical is quite
another thing!
Just when I think this can’t get any weirder .. characters breaking the forth wall, commenting on the plotlines AND pronouncing silent ‘e’s! Genius, I tell you! Or madness .. wait.. there’s a difference ..?
I’ve been following this oddity the entire time and I have to say that this is definitely one of my more favorite chapters. Thanks, Hugh!
Dan freakin” Quayle????? That was brilliant! You are awarfe that McCain taters are Canadian, aren’t you? 😀
Any chance someone can create some sidelinks on the home page for each chapter?
It’s been there the whole time. There’s a “Potato Moon” category listing on the right hand side. Click on that and it’ll take you to the entire storyline.
.
PAD
On the black bar to the right, look for “Categories” and click on “Potato Moon.”
Where’s the next chapter?? I’m going through potato withdrawal – got the DT’s (Delirium Taters!)
Since Joss Whedon and musicals have already been mentioned: “See, I’m only fifteen, so this Queen thing’s illegal…”